CORAL GABLES, FLORIDA
At the time, Lily Zapata was not aware of the magnitude of her actions. Except for a few minor parking violations and speeding tickets, her record was spotless. The record shows that Ms. Zapata had just finished listening to Starboy by the Weekend, when the Spotify advertisement initiated. She then tapped the F10 mute button on her 2011 MacBook Pro and caused immediate damage.
Ripples were felt immediately through the entire music industry ecosystem. The music industry, already hanging on for dear life to ad revenue, was not capable of withstanding such a blow.
Police showed up on the scene within half an hour and declared the infraction a homicide. “Take her away, boys,” said Sheriff Winslow, “it’s perpetrators like you that are putting perfectly good music execs out of jobs.” This was followed by the Sheriff spitting into a tin cup, filling the room with a resounding *Spppppppting*.
Lily Zapata was expedited through the judicial process and was indicted on multiple counts for the grandest of larceny and manslaughter. She was subsequently sentenced to 140 years in prison without the possibility of parole. The courtroom erupted in cheers. She had to be quickly escorted out of the room into a holding cell to avoid the angry mob of music execs and former music streaming platform employees outdoors.
“I remember I was just sitting there. I remember I was listening to a song. I think it was Maroon 5. No, wait, it was Starboy by the Weeknd. Yeah, it was definitely Starboy.” Ms. Zapata, now referred to as Prisoner 26299, said out of her orange jumpsuit. “I heard the little Spotify ad jingle, and I just wanted…” 26299 paused, “I just wanted to not have to listen to another thirty-second ad about car insurance or lingerie.” At this point, 26299 heaved over and her quiet whimpers carried through the prison phone.