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LinkedIn Launches New Fetish Dating App: KinkedIn

in Shitty Product Hunt by

Los Angeles, California

In what most are calling an interesting expansion into an incredibly niche market, the primarily professional networking platform threw its (leather) gloves into the dating app world.

“While we still want to maintain a professional image, we want to give some of our users the opportunity to express themselves and potentially find love in the form of hot wax and leather,” said LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner in a press conference early Monday morning.

KinkedIn had been in a private beta for the majority of 2017. “We had a few…kinks we had to work out,” noted KinkedIn’s incredibly fucking weird Chief Product Officer who goes by Hans.

Users are able to connect with other people they think would be a good match, similar to the LinkedIn connection interface. Additional to the messaging functionality, users are able to endorse each other for certain skills, most of which we are not sure of what they mean nor do we wish to investigate further.

“It almost seems as if they flipped the entire LinkedIn functionality into a mobile dating app. I’m interested to see how this plays out. At first, I couldn’t help but question the move. I mean, an app for fetishes. Really? But then I realized, the fetish community is really tight knit.Not that I would know or anything. This has the potential to go viral just based purely on word of mouth,” noted Clark Dixon, who had access to the private beta.

 

 

Mark Zuckerberg Spotted in Burglar Costume Outside Snapchat HQ

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Hours before Facebook’s F8 Conference, sources say Mark Zuckerberg was spotted outside the headquarters of Snapchat with a loaded burlap sack.

Tony Romero noticed a man in a striped shirt carrying a burlap sack around the Snapchat headquarters. “First I thought it was just another one of those skater kids, but he didn’t have a skateboard on him. He had a sack. It looked full. I don’t know with what but there was definitely something in there,” Romero said while inapproriately motioning a sack of some sorts, “I noticed he looked a lot like that Facebook guy. It was definitely Zuckerberg.”

The encounter developed as follows:

Romero: “Yo Zuck!! What are you doing, man?”

To which a startled Zuckerberg replied:  “I’m giving them the FUCKING ZUCK!!!'”

Police were notified but were not able to make it to the scene of the crime. Several thefts of algorithms and ideas were reported in the Venice Beach area, but there is no evidence to link Zuckerberg or Facebook to any crimes.

Paul Ratliff, the cigar toting detective assigned to the Venice Beach, first noted a pattern a few months ago. “We don’t have any evidence linking Zuckerberg to the case,  but we’re working hard to nail this bastard. Whoever he is.”

 

Dr. Pepper Puts “Dr. Pepper Spray” Commercial on Hold

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After Pepsi’s recent commercial fiasco involving a certain member from the cast of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, spokespeople from Dr. Pepper claimed they will hold out on their new commercial until “the waters quiet down.”

The commercial is action-packed, featuring a member of an unnamed police department utilizing a can of Dr. Pepper as a pepper spray replacement. Instead of being doused in flaming hot pepper spray, protesters are overjoyed that they have actually indeed been sprayed with the sugary corn syrup that is Dr. Pepper.

“This is mein baby,” said commercial director Von Heim, “I know this magnificent country of yours has been through some tough times, and zis gives us an opportunity to really bridge, and how you say, mend ze fences, in American society.”

The final rendition played on the projector screen as a single tear welled up in Von Heim’s eye.

The commercial, initially scheduled for April, can be expected to play in June.

 

 

Congress Sells Everyone’s Internet History Except Anthony Weiner’s

in Quickies by

Earlier this week, Congress voted to reverse the landmark FCC privacy rule that opened the door for ISPs to sell customer user history. This means that essentially all of everyone’s browsing history is available for purchase for the highest bidder.

Everyone’s browsing history except one man…Anthony Weiner. The decision was justified by Congress as “because…gross.”

Anthony Weiner, infamous for his series of inappropriate-for-this-fine-publication images, refused to comment because “he had to return some video tapes.”

“We just don’t really want to know what he’s doing on his computer. I mean, we all have our guesses, but he’s just one bad bowl of gumbo all around,” said an anonymous source, most likely a Congressman from Louisiana.

“Look, you’re not going to publish this right? I got paid 50 large ones to make sure this vote passed, but there was no way in hell I was going to let this guy’s Google Chrome history go on market,” said another anonymous source, instinctively reaching for her hand sanitizer.
Whatever Anthony Weiner chooses to do with his newfound freedom in the age of information-sales, nobody really wants to know, but everybody can summon a guess and probably be in the same ballpark.

Tesla CEO Apologizes After Video Showing Him Berating Self-Driving Car Surfaces

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Tesla Chief Executive Elon Musk has apologized, saying “I shouldn’t have to because it’s my fucking company and I can do what I want,” after a video showed him berating a self driving Model S.

“I’m trying to keep the media off my back so I can take over the world,” said Elon Musk to our senior reporter, “but obviously don’t put that in there.”

The dashcam video, primarily used for mechanical and user feedback issues, was obtained by Tesla’s engineering team and released on Tuesday. The video shows Musk arguing with the Model S over battery life features and the future of automation.

“You think you know everything? You robots think you’re better than us. Well guess what, buddy, I fucking made you,” an inebriated Musk can be heard saying, “Everything you’re programmed to say came from me. And who’s me? Elon Musk, that’s fucking who. I made Paypal.”

The Model S did not reply.

Musk issued an apology to all Tesla employees Wednesday morning. “To say that I am ashamed is an absolute lie, as you all may know. If that offends you, you are free to leave whenever you want. If I need you and you leave, I will pay your husband or wife to divorce you. I am this close,” Musk pinched his fingers together so tightly you could see his knuckles turn a milky white, “this FUCKING close to packing up shop and moving back to South Africa.”

As for recommendations for leadership training from Musk’s colleagues and media associates, “Hey, how about you change the world before you even pronounce the word leadership. I’m sending people to space; you’re spending four hours a day watching Shark Tank.”
The Model S was destroyed and scrapped to create a chair for Musk. Only time will tell whether or not there will be any blowback from Musk’s blowup.

Jeff Bezos Regrets Hosting Kegger in AWS Server Room

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The only hosting Amazon Web Services has been doing lately is that of a massive kegger between Bezos and friends.

What started with an innocuous book club meeting between Jeff Bezos and friends in Amazon Web Server’s rooms ended in catastrophe, resulting in thousands of websites encountering technical difficulties.

“I thought it would be a good idea to get some of the guys together and talk about our book of the week, which I think was Tools of the Titans by Tim Ferriss, but things got out of hand when Charlie Sheen asked if we wanted to crack a few beers,” said Amazon’s bald billionaire founder, following by his famous honking laugh.

Those first beers were the precipice of a full-out rager that ultimately damaged several of the servers. Kegs of Yuengling and other party activities almost immediately started arriving from “Charlie Sheen’s guy” and the bender continued.

“It was honestly the most fun I’ve had in weeks. I told the guys to be careful but as soon as I saw Barry (Barack) doing a kegstand using one of our servers as leverage I knew it wasn’t going to end well,” Bezos told reporters.

The servers were not the only thing damaged, however, as Guy Fieri wandered off into the server hallways in search for “some pulled pork that’s gonna make you cry” and still has not been found.
As of 6:15 PM, Amazon’s AWS service health dashboard announced “The S3 outage is due to liquid damage in several of the severals, and we are currently working on fixing the issue. We also have not located Guy Fieri,” without any further details.

CAPTCHA Releases New Uncomfortable Existential Questions Filter

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CAPTCHA, the challenge-response test that helps sites keep visitors from spam posting comments, unveiled its new existential questions filter.

“Thanks to machine learning and innovations in the artificial intelligence industry, we have to raise the bar on what it takes to post something on the Internet,” stated Anders Fjordson, Chief Development Officer at CAPTCHA, “These robots are breaking through our current filters way too easily.”

With questions such as “Is life real?” and “Why are we here?” the CAPTCHA filter is increasing the sentient requirement to post comments. Their release has been met with vehement criticism and anxiety from users across the country.

Tom Selman, a 28-year-old dental assistant in Charlotte said, “I just wanted to post about why the Hornets are going to be good next year on my buddies blog, and then I got hit with the CAPTCHA. It said, “What are you for?” I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Katherine Gliff, a 19-year-old Sophomore at the University of Central Florida said, “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHY EVIL EXISTS?”
Only time will tell how effective this strategy is, but so far in the short term, it has spurred a whirlwind of self-doubt and existential angst.

Mark Zuckerberg Forgets to Turn off Facebook Live for Company Rave

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Menlo Park, CA

Thousands gathered in front of their smartphones and laptops to watch Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and team blow off some steam during their weekly Friday rave.

Dubbed “Freaky Facebook Fridays” by Zuckerberg himself, the weekly events are open to all employees and “girls free, guys $25 cover and they have to bring liq(our) and minimum 2 girls”.

“We’ve tried to cultivate an atmosphere of hard work and the occasional hard-style,” said Facebook’s Chief Fun Officer (CFO) Marty “Spikedog” Spikowksi. “We bring in a new DJ every week to drop some new tunes, but we like to mix it up with employee-curated DJ sets as well. This week was Janet from Accounting’s turn. I never knew she could throw down such a dirty set like that.”

“The Zucc [Mark Zuckerberg] usually listens to all kind of stuff. Honestly, I picked him out to be a more deep-house kind of guy, but when it was his turn he tore the roof off Menlo with some vicious hardstyle. That KONG KONG KONG KONG stuff bro,  dude has some serious pent up aggression,” said Marty of his memories of the early days of Freaky Facebook Fridays. “That was easily the best show all October 2015.”

 

This Human-Driving Car Predicted an Accident After It Happened

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Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

Human technology sensors have evolved a tremendous amount in the past year, let alone the past decade. Human driving cars are now capable of doing much more than their humble beginnings in the horse and buggy era.

Benjamin Ferrara, 26, pictured above with our reporter’s car, is the owner of a 2004 Toyota Corolla and was able to demonstrate the lofty capabilities of human insight.

Benji, as he demanded we call him since that’s what his friends do, was hot on the scene a near 25 minutes after the accident. “Yeah, so I just saw a bunch of cars backed up and it was like really bad bro. I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Damnit man, if I’m late to work again I’m for sure getting canned.’ Because Tim was on today, and he’s more of a dick that my boy Roger who’s also a manager but he’s tight with my girlfriend’s brother,” Benji explained the circumstances to while our reporter hurriedly jotted down the most important details.

“Anyway, it’s like stand-still. I’m trying to think of what happened. At first, I was like, I hope they didn’t start putting stop lights on the highway, bro, that would absolutely not be the move.” For the sake of clarity, the Venture Crunch has not heard of any plans for stop lights being put on the highway. We will keep you updated as soon as we hear anything backing up these claims.

“So after about like ten minutes we start crawling. Like crawling, bro, like my foot wasn’t even on the gas. I roll up by this Ford Mustang that was hella crumpled up in the front with smoke coming out of the engine. There was this bald dude in a dress shirt standing by the car looking mad pissed, bro,” Benjie said as he started waving his hands.

“The other car was a Honda Pilot. I remember it was a Honda Pilot because I said to myself, ‘glad they’re not my pilot!’ and I started bawling laughing to myself, bro,’ Benji said as he put his hand on our reporter’s shoulder. “I even texted my girlfriend that joke, here check it out.” Benji unveiled a cracked iPhone 5 with a text to a Sabrina Mendez 🙊😻💁🏼.
“I was like, that is for sure an accident like without a doubt. The thought came into my brain and I just knew it was right.”

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