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Donald Trump Disinvites eSports Star Pussy_Slay3r_2002 from White House

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President Donald Trump’s barrage of pulling invitations from the sports world continues with his withdrawal of the invitation of League of Legends superstar Pussy_Slay3r_2002.

Pussy_Slay3r_2002, known as Sandy Cartier, stated that he wasn’t going to go due to prior commitments with his friends at Sawgrass Mills Mall and that “he didn’t really feel like it because the White House is gay”.

Pussy_Slay3r_2002’s comments received a surprisingly rapid response from the President’s Twitter account pulling his invitation, and also calling him a “LOSER.”

The world of eSports showed its support for Pussy_Slay3r_2002, with numerous players commenting on the subject.

D3str0y3r_0f_w0rlds, a 16 year old League of Legends prodigy, commented “LOL @realDonaldTrump you’re mom is disinvited from my bed”

Skillboy3000, a level 126 in Runescape, commented “@Pussy_Slay3r_2002, this guy is just an old fagit”

Legless_leg0las44, a member of Pussy_Slay3r_2002’s clan, stated “@realDonaldTrump is making america GAY again lmfao.”

There has been no further comment from Pussy_Slay3r_2002 or the Cartier household. We will do our best to keep you updated on whether Pussy_Slay3r_2002 gets grounded.

Jeff Bezos Vows to Spend Majority of Net Worth Shining Head

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Earlier today, Jeff Bezos had a brief stint as the richest person alive, surpassing Bill Gates to hold the number one spot.

Within moments of the news breaking, Bezos announced his plan to spend the majority of his net worth shining his trademark bald head.

Bezos penned his message in a letter to shareholders and the general public.

“Hey Jeff, congrats on being the richest person in the world. Can I have some money? – @YourBoyMikeyP92″

This is the tweet that ultimately changed my gaze from philanthropy towards something more meaningful. In order to avoid the fickle throes of fortune, I have decided to fully commit the majority of my net-worth towards shining my head.

Every piece of news I’ve read today has mentioned two things: 1. My net worth, 2. My bald head. No best wishes or concerns for my well-being. Well, world, get ready for more of this bald ass head. Fuck you.”

 

Evan Spiegel Assures Investors Hot Dog Learning New Dance Moves

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Venice, Los Angeles, California

In a heartfelt email blasted off to several of Snapchat’s largest investors, a semblance of a corporate strategy was revealed.

Evan Spiegel, the 27-year-old CEO of Snap Inc. promised all stakeholders that the dancing hotdog is learning new dance moves.

The Venture Crunch team was hot on the scene with an exclusive one on one interview with Evan “the fucking man” Spiegel himself.

“I think Wall Street has severely undervalued the potential of creating a meme. Within hours of releasing the dancing hot dog, dozens of high-profile influencer accounts on other social media networks started posting memes of it. We’re taking a lot of the big players like Instagram, and Facebook. If I’m the Zucks, right about now, I’d be filling my diaper. We’ve got your users talking about US on YOUR platform, my man. Check and mate.”

Spiegel took a moment for reflection by spinning around a few times in his office chair and tossing a miniature football up and down.

“And you know what? Who needs Wall Street? Like, hey investors, I’m sorry but sack up for once in your life. We’ve got more dance moves on the way, so just be patient. What do you guys think, that we have no idea what we’re doing? Our users LOVE us. You can bet your ass that the Facebook team is trying to come up with a dancing hot dog right now, but you know what? We’re ahead of the game. Check and mate. And you know what, you guys better refer to me as the fucking man or you can’t publish this. Now get out of here, you’re stressing me out.”

Spiegel refused to make any further comments, but his assistant assured us that “everything is totally cool, just wait.”

LinkedIn Launches New Fetish Dating App: KinkedIn

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Los Angeles, California

In what most are calling an interesting expansion into an incredibly niche market, the primarily professional networking platform threw its (leather) gloves into the dating app world.

“While we still want to maintain a professional image, we want to give some of our users the opportunity to express themselves and potentially find love in the form of hot wax and leather,” said LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner in a press conference early Monday morning.

KinkedIn had been in a private beta for the majority of 2017. “We had a few…kinks we had to work out,” noted KinkedIn’s incredibly fucking weird Chief Product Officer who goes by Hans.

Users are able to connect with other people they think would be a good match, similar to the LinkedIn connection interface. Additional to the messaging functionality, users are able to endorse each other for certain skills, most of which we are not sure of what they mean nor do we wish to investigate further.

“It almost seems as if they flipped the entire LinkedIn functionality into a mobile dating app. I’m interested to see how this plays out. At first, I couldn’t help but question the move. I mean, an app for fetishes. Really? But then I realized, the fetish community is really tight knit.Not that I would know or anything. This has the potential to go viral just based purely on word of mouth,” noted Clark Dixon, who had access to the private beta.

 

 

Mark Zuckerberg Spotted in Burglar Costume Outside Snapchat HQ

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Hours before Facebook’s F8 Conference, sources say Mark Zuckerberg was spotted outside the headquarters of Snapchat with a loaded burlap sack.

Tony Romero noticed a man in a striped shirt carrying a burlap sack around the Snapchat headquarters. “First I thought it was just another one of those skater kids, but he didn’t have a skateboard on him. He had a sack. It looked full. I don’t know with what but there was definitely something in there,” Romero said while inapproriately motioning a sack of some sorts, “I noticed he looked a lot like that Facebook guy. It was definitely Zuckerberg.”

The encounter developed as follows:

Romero: “Yo Zuck!! What are you doing, man?”

To which a startled Zuckerberg replied:  “I’m giving them the FUCKING ZUCK!!!'”

Police were notified but were not able to make it to the scene of the crime. Several thefts of algorithms and ideas were reported in the Venice Beach area, but there is no evidence to link Zuckerberg or Facebook to any crimes.

Paul Ratliff, the cigar toting detective assigned to the Venice Beach, first noted a pattern a few months ago. “We don’t have any evidence linking Zuckerberg to the case,  but we’re working hard to nail this bastard. Whoever he is.”

 

Dr. Pepper Puts “Dr. Pepper Spray” Commercial on Hold

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After Pepsi’s recent commercial fiasco involving a certain member from the cast of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, spokespeople from Dr. Pepper claimed they will hold out on their new commercial until “the waters quiet down.”

The commercial is action-packed, featuring a member of an unnamed police department utilizing a can of Dr. Pepper as a pepper spray replacement. Instead of being doused in flaming hot pepper spray, protesters are overjoyed that they have actually indeed been sprayed with the sugary corn syrup that is Dr. Pepper.

“This is mein baby,” said commercial director Von Heim, “I know this magnificent country of yours has been through some tough times, and zis gives us an opportunity to really bridge, and how you say, mend ze fences, in American society.”

The final rendition played on the projector screen as a single tear welled up in Von Heim’s eye.

The commercial, initially scheduled for April, can be expected to play in June.

 

 

Congress Sells Everyone’s Internet History Except Anthony Weiner’s

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Earlier this week, Congress voted to reverse the landmark FCC privacy rule that opened the door for ISPs to sell customer user history. This means that essentially all of everyone’s browsing history is available for purchase for the highest bidder.

Everyone’s browsing history except one man…Anthony Weiner. The decision was justified by Congress as “because…gross.”

Anthony Weiner, infamous for his series of inappropriate-for-this-fine-publication images, refused to comment because “he had to return some video tapes.”

“We just don’t really want to know what he’s doing on his computer. I mean, we all have our guesses, but he’s just one bad bowl of gumbo all around,” said an anonymous source, most likely a Congressman from Louisiana.

“Look, you’re not going to publish this right? I got paid 50 large ones to make sure this vote passed, but there was no way in hell I was going to let this guy’s Google Chrome history go on market,” said another anonymous source, instinctively reaching for her hand sanitizer.
Whatever Anthony Weiner chooses to do with his newfound freedom in the age of information-sales, nobody really wants to know, but everybody can summon a guess and probably be in the same ballpark.

Tesla CEO Apologizes After Video Showing Him Berating Self-Driving Car Surfaces

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Tesla Chief Executive Elon Musk has apologized, saying “I shouldn’t have to because it’s my fucking company and I can do what I want,” after a video showed him berating a self driving Model S.

“I’m trying to keep the media off my back so I can take over the world,” said Elon Musk to our senior reporter, “but obviously don’t put that in there.”

The dashcam video, primarily used for mechanical and user feedback issues, was obtained by Tesla’s engineering team and released on Tuesday. The video shows Musk arguing with the Model S over battery life features and the future of automation.

“You think you know everything? You robots think you’re better than us. Well guess what, buddy, I fucking made you,” an inebriated Musk can be heard saying, “Everything you’re programmed to say came from me. And who’s me? Elon Musk, that’s fucking who. I made Paypal.”

The Model S did not reply.

Musk issued an apology to all Tesla employees Wednesday morning. “To say that I am ashamed is an absolute lie, as you all may know. If that offends you, you are free to leave whenever you want. If I need you and you leave, I will pay your husband or wife to divorce you. I am this close,” Musk pinched his fingers together so tightly you could see his knuckles turn a milky white, “this FUCKING close to packing up shop and moving back to South Africa.”

As for recommendations for leadership training from Musk’s colleagues and media associates, “Hey, how about you change the world before you even pronounce the word leadership. I’m sending people to space; you’re spending four hours a day watching Shark Tank.”
The Model S was destroyed and scrapped to create a chair for Musk. Only time will tell whether or not there will be any blowback from Musk’s blowup.

Jeff Bezos Regrets Hosting Kegger in AWS Server Room

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The only hosting Amazon Web Services has been doing lately is that of a massive kegger between Bezos and friends.

What started with an innocuous book club meeting between Jeff Bezos and friends in Amazon Web Server’s rooms ended in catastrophe, resulting in thousands of websites encountering technical difficulties.

“I thought it would be a good idea to get some of the guys together and talk about our book of the week, which I think was Tools of the Titans by Tim Ferriss, but things got out of hand when Charlie Sheen asked if we wanted to crack a few beers,” said Amazon’s bald billionaire founder, following by his famous honking laugh.

Those first beers were the precipice of a full-out rager that ultimately damaged several of the servers. Kegs of Yuengling and other party activities almost immediately started arriving from “Charlie Sheen’s guy” and the bender continued.

“It was honestly the most fun I’ve had in weeks. I told the guys to be careful but as soon as I saw Barry (Barack) doing a kegstand using one of our servers as leverage I knew it wasn’t going to end well,” Bezos told reporters.

The servers were not the only thing damaged, however, as Guy Fieri wandered off into the server hallways in search for “some pulled pork that’s gonna make you cry” and still has not been found.
As of 6:15 PM, Amazon’s AWS service health dashboard announced “The S3 outage is due to liquid damage in several of the severals, and we are currently working on fixing the issue. We also have not located Guy Fieri,” without any further details.

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