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Woman Bankrupts Music Industry by Muting Spotify Ad

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CORAL GABLES, FLORIDA

At the time, Lily Zapata was not aware of the magnitude of her actions. Except for a few minor parking violations and speeding tickets, her record was spotless. The record shows that Ms. Zapata had just finished listening to Starboy by the Weekend, when the Spotify advertisement initiated. She then tapped the F10 mute button on her 2011 MacBook Pro and caused immediate damage.

Ripples were felt immediately through the entire music industry ecosystem. The music industry, already hanging on for dear life to ad revenue, was not capable of withstanding such a blow.

Police showed up on the scene within half an hour and declared the infraction a homicide. “Take her away, boys,” said Sheriff Winslow, “it’s perpetrators like you that are putting perfectly good music execs out of jobs.” This was followed by the Sheriff spitting into a tin cup, filling the room with a resounding *Spppppppting*.

Lily Zapata was expedited through the judicial process and was indicted on multiple counts for the grandest of larceny and manslaughter. She was subsequently sentenced to 140 years in prison without the possibility of parole. The courtroom erupted in cheers. She had to be quickly escorted out of the room into a holding cell to avoid the angry mob of music execs and former music streaming platform employees outdoors.
“I remember I was just sitting there. I remember I was listening to a song. I think it was Maroon 5. No, wait, it was Starboy by the Weeknd. Yeah, it was definitely Starboy.” Ms. Zapata, now referred to as Prisoner 26299, said out of her orange jumpsuit. “I heard the little Spotify ad jingle, and I just wanted…” 26299 paused, “I just wanted to not have to listen to another thirty-second ad about car insurance or lingerie.” At this point, 26299 heaved over and her quiet whimpers carried through the prison phone. 

Man Retweets Last Year’s New Year’s Resolutions

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The holiday season spanning late November to January 1st is marked with hedonism and gluttony hidden under the guise of family time and holiday cheer. In the tail end of the holiday season, streaks of promises for self-improvement break through the muck in preparation for the new year.

As is common sense, the slate is wiped clean when the date changes a digit. One man from Austin, Texas decided to go against the grain in an unorthodox form of planning by reusing last year’s resolutions. Howard Dewey, 29, decided that going the extra mile for 2017 was just not worth it by risking double public humiliation when he re-tweeted his 2016 resolutions.

“I already put a lot of thought into 2016’s New Year’s resolution, I don’t see a reason to do that all over again,” Dewey said of his brilliant strategy of avoiding duplicate effort. “I never really got a chance to do most of the things on that list, so I guess I might as well try next year.”

Dewey commented on his progress in 2016 while briefly skimming his list, written as an iMessage to himself:

“Call family more… I called my grandma once in January but she never called me back so I guess that counts.

Act on the urge to talk to attractive women… I got back with my ex-girlfriend in February and she’s kind of…yeah.

Do yoga…yea right.

Save 20% of my annual income…let’s just stop here.”

The list continued with a dozen unaccomplished resolutions.

“This year is going to be different for a couple reasons. I tweeted it out to my 560 followers so I’ll look dumb if I fail. I’m turning 30 in November and there’s no way I want to carry my poor habits over into 30. I hopped into a $100 pool with my coworkers to see who keeps them the longest. It’s a $15 buy-in, if you’re interested.”
Best of luck to you, Howard Dewey. We wish you a Happy New Year from all of us from The Venture Crunch.

Mark Zuckerberg Misplaces Facebook News Feed Algorithm

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Facebook Headquarters were all but tranquil following the news of Mark Zuckerberg misplacing the Facebook algorithm. Among the squabbling of employees could be heard a resounding “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” that echoed through the building of 1 Hacker Way in Menlo Park. Our encounter was as follows:

As our reporter was taking notes on his sketchpad, a frantic Zuckerberg darted towards him. With a quick swipe, Zuckerberg snatched the reporter’s sketchpad and said, “Not it!” He continued to mumble “Not it, not it, not it!” as he paced around the vicinity, tearing through a nearby employee’s cubicle.

After a few minutes, Zuckerberg seemed to gain some composure. He wiped the sweat from his brow on our reporter’s sweater. “I’m looking for something just like this,” Zuckerberg said as he rifled through the reporter’s sketchpad, “except it was in blue folder and was labeled ALGORITHM.”

Our reporter shook his head. Zuckerberg stormed off back into his office and out came the sound of a metal filing cabinet clanging against the ground.

“He said he just took it out of the vault to look at it for a second. He went out for lunch and when he got back he said it was missing.” said a Facebook employee, who preferred anonymity.

The sketchpad with the algorithm has since been located in what everyone in the tech world is calling a gross oversight and very close call. This has opened the door to a flood of questions from tech journalists regarding the security of Facebook’s proprietary information.

“You’d think they’d have it on a computer or something. Or at least have a copy of it somewhere in case it gets lost. I don’t want to kick a guy when he’s down, but come on Zuck!” said TechScene journalist Kelly Gonzaga. “Those guys at Google made one of their employees swallow a USB with their algorithm and they don’t let him leave the headquarters ever. Zuck could learn a thing or two.”

“I’m Scared to Go Outside” Says Area Man Usually Scared to Go Outside

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San Francisco, California

David Bluke spoke of his post-election blues Monday afternoon at approximately 3:04 PM PS with a long, articulate Facebook status. It read:

My mouth is absolutely agape following the election of president elect he-who-will-not-be-named. I am shocked to learn that I am living in a country full of racists, rapists, misogynists, and unwelcome gynecologists. We shouldn’t have borders in the first place, and now I’m forced to share borders with these xenophobic, and overall disgusting, dirty deplorable people.

Bluke, a straight white male, is an avid social activist. He claims to spend the majority of his day watching “reliable news networks such as CNN” and has developed a significant following on Twitter.

I am fearful for people of color, women, and myself. It is not safe anymore, America. I’m sorry this has happened to you and I wish I could help. I’m scared to go outside, and you should be too.

When Venture Crunch reporters asked how this has tangibly changed his daily routine, it was made clear that not much has changed. Several of Bluke’s friends describe him as a hermit who only really leaves his home when it is absolutely necessary.

Crystal, Bluke’s girlfriend of six years prior to their break up last month, said “Dave’s a really sweet guy, he really is. He’s just so passionate. When I told him I wasn’t voting for Hillary, I think that really hurt him. He told me he felt disgusted with himself that he influenced me with his white male patriarchy and we split.”

Sandra Bluke, David sister, commented, “He’s a very special guy. He just cares so much and I think it really gets to him. He’s never really been one to go outside. He never really played with other kids in the neighborhood. He can be a bit over the top sometimes, but that’s just his personality.”

Bluke’s powerful, moving sentiments garnered 114 likes from like-minded compatriots, and several “sad” reactions.

Cash4Votes: Sell Your Voter Apathy for Cold Hard Cash

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It’s the remix to Ignition, Fresh out the Venture Crunch kitchen, Cash4Votes got every woman and man in here wishin’

Ok we have to stop that before R. Kelly sues us too.  

We are ecstatic to introduce Cash4Votes: http://www.cash4votes.biz/

Users will be able to appraise their vote with on-site calculator and then get instantly paired with a buyer.

But wait – wasn’t selling your vote outlawed in the 19th century? Probably, but let’s be real they didn’t have Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump running for the presidency back then, did they?

My favorite part about this idea could actually work in this political landscape. This goes down the trail of candidates buying voters with campaign money, but at least we wouldn’t have to listen to awful campaign ads in the middle of our “sensual jams” Spotify playlist.

Even charging a minimal 5% transaction fee on a site like this would bring in *counts fingers* big bucks. Only 53.6% of the voting age population voted in 2012, leaving 111.9 million potential voters sitting at home probably reading my blog. The average citizen is willing to sell their vote for around $100. This means Cash4Votes could potentially tap into $5,595,000 in revenue in just a few months. Sup Shark Tank?

Unfortunately, we can’t legally have actual transactions on the site. Although Moskov v. United States sounds like a good name for my next book, crowdfunding your legal fees is not a good look.

In all seriousness, the financial viability of this should be a wakeup call to the value of your vote. This isn’t going to turn into one of those “it’s your duty to vote, (as long as it’s for my candidate)” posts you might see from millionaire celebrities, so cool your jets. Voting is your right; you are no more obligated to vote than you are to exercise your right to go buy an M-15.

But, it is your intellectual obligation to not complain if you don’t vote. You will be no different than feudal Russian serfs talking shit miles away from their lords. When you realize your trip to Cancun is going to involved some wall-climbing, you gotta take it. When you see your paycheck docked an extra couple hundred bucks to pay for your friend Dan’s racist grandpa’s hip surgery because of Obamacare, you gotta take it.

Unless you vote. Then you’ve got a green pass to complain all you want.

Check out Cash4VotesBuilt by the extremely talented Jonas Fleur-Aimi and envisioned by the visionary Alex Moskov (who will probably take as much credit as he can but it’s obvious who the real Woz is.)

Elon Musk Unveils Solar Panel Skin

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Elon Musk

In what the Tesla is calling “The ultimate solution to the world’s race and energy problems,” Elon Musk announced the release of Solar Panel Skin.

The grey skinsuit works the same way all solar panels do, but essentially gives human beings the ability to conduct photosynthesis. “We want to give human beings the power to create energy, rather than be constantly using it. We let our imaginations run wild. Solar Panel Skin people can utilize their generated energy to power their homes, their cars, or even their bodies and eliminate the need for food, but we know that most people will probably just use it to charge their phones,” said Chief Engineer behind Solar Panel Skin Mischa Gopnikov.

Not only will the grey scaled skin suit create energy, it is believed to quell racial tensions. “When coming up with the sleek grey color scheme for the skin cells, we blurred all major ethnicities together and got this cool, slimy grey complexion,” said Chief Designer Elliott Senzaki. In the vision Tesla has for the future, human beings themselves will be integrated with the power grid to utilize the sun to its full potential. Tesla’s humans will be able to go for a walk and produce enough charge to power a household for 24 hours, or run a Macbook Pro with 12 tabs open on Google Chrome for 30 minutes.

The mechanics behind the Solar Panel Skin is marvelous in its own right. Through Tesla’s proprietary engineering, they have managed to fuse solar cells with active skin cells. It is assumed that Elon Musk himself came up with the idea after a brisk walk through his favorite greenhouse. Tesla engineers have kept the project under a veil of secrecy, but a few rumors state that several engineers were forced to mate with different types of plants.

Tesla has been working on these skin suits for a few years, and they are projected to be released in Spring 2017.  

Elon Musk Says Tesla Will Buy the Sun

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Elon Musk

Tesla CEO Elon Musk tweeted early Wednesday morning that he will soon make a bid to purchase the Sun, a statement that, while shocking to some, came as no surprise to many who have been watching the eccentric billionaire work to bring his plans to light.

elonTweet

“The man wants to save the world with solar,” alternative energy consultant Jeffrey Barnes told the Venture Crunch, “he’s got solar collectors, he’s got solar storage, he’s got solar cars: the obvious next step was the solar source.”

This announcement comes right on the tail of Musk’s announcement that Tesla would move to merge with solar energy company Solar City (of which Musk owns a large share), one of the largest installers of solar energy systems. Buying the sun will be the first of its kind for a solar company.

“The addition of the Sun the Tesla’s holdings will make our job that much easier,” a ranking official at Solar City, who desired to remain anonymous, said. “The biggest problem with solar is it doesn’t work at night, ya know? With full access to the Sun all day our output worries are over.”

While Musk declined to comment to the VC, Tesla put out a press release confirming the claim and expanding on the statement:

“Tesla mission is and will continue to be the advancement and development of alternative energy technology in pursuit of a more sustainable future. A deal will be reached on the merger with Solar City soon, but we never stop looking to the future. The addition of the Sun to the Tesla family is the next step in realizing our lofty goals.”

Elon Musk intends to inspect the Sun’s fusion reactor personally before negotiations begin early next month, and SpaceX has apparently been developing a rocket capable of bringing the CEO to the star for some time now.

WikiLeaks Releases Hillary Clinton’s “Sexytime” Spotify Playlist

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Hillary Wikileaks Sexygate

News broke earlier this morning for yet another WikiLeaks release of information that is detrimental to Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. Early Tuesday morning, WikiLeaks released a Spotify Playlist called Sexytime that is believed to be curated by Hillary Clinton.

The playlist included classics like Elvis Presley’s Burning Love, Etta James’s I Just Want To Make Love to You, and Rod Stewart’s Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” as well as more contemporary jams like Beyoncé’s All Night, Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love, and the Weeknd’s Wicked Games.

Multiple sources within the Clinton campaign administration have fervently denied Hillary Clinton’s involvement with said “Sexytime” playlist.

Donald Trump wasted no time in condemning Hillary’s music choices at his rally in Green Bay. “She’s a monster. The liberal media doesn’t want you to hear about this. If we’re on the subject of role models, do you really want your kids looking up to a President that listens to Rod Stewart? The man is a degenerate.”

This critical leak of information could play out to be a game changer. “The pure knowledge that millions of people know what you’ve been listening to during your intimate times has got to be unnerving at a deep level,” commented emotional psychologist Jonathan Buckley. The election may depend on whether or not Hillary will be able to steer the Presidential Debates on Wednesday’s away from this direction.

“As soon as people start judging her music choices on stage, she could be in deep trouble. It’s flustering and there’s no real relevant counterpoint that can be made. You try talking about immigration when the question at hand is Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. It’s the perfect political quicksand. I’m sure we can expect Trump to pull the Sexygate card in the closing minutes,” said political expert Judd Pinker.

When confronted by reporters about Wikileaks, husband Bill Clinton gave a double thumbs up before being escorted away by Hillary’s campaign manager.
The White House has yet to make a comment on Sexygate.

Girl Awarded Pulitzer for Her October 3rd Mean Girls Status

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It was just another Monday for 20 year old McKenzie Cline until she realized it was October 3rd. She immediately took to her iPhone 6s plus to notify the world of the Mean Girls reference with what judges called “the perfect picture to go along with her status.”

The Pulitzer Prize is a prestigious award for achievements in newspaper, musical composition, magazine and online journalism. In an attempt to increase the award’s popularity among the Millennial generation, the organizers have decided to extend the online journalism to Facebook and Twitter.

Milana Dawson, a historian specializing in popular films from the 2000s, commended McKenzie’s work as one of the finer allusions to the iconic film Mean Girls. “Every year, you will see shoddy attempts of creating the perfect Mean Girls status. Ms. Cline’s piece is reminiscent of a Mean Girls status in 2009, but the inclusion of a picture really set her apart.” Although similar to the 2009 status, Cline’s status was different and unique enough to put her miles ahead of all other statuses. Pablo Picasso’s words ring loud and clear; good artists borrow, great artists steal.

David Schulz, a former director for the Pulitzer Prize committee, hailed Ms. Cline’s work as absolutely groundbreaking. “It is a breath of fresh air to see such intellectual pieces of literature coming out of this new generation. Work such as McKenzie Cline’s not only brings back fond memories of the 2004 movie, but also reminds us what day it is today.” For those people who thought today was October 2nd or October 4th, please make any adjustments on your paperwork and emails or risk sounding like a complete buffoon.

We reached out to McKenzie for a statement. “This is just so surreal. I LOVE Lily Pulitzer! Seriously. Love you. Mean it.”

McKenzie, a Junior at the University of South Florida, now has another item to add to her resume right below her involvement in Student Government.

Pitbull Cancels Montreal Concert Out of Fear for His Safety

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Due to the new bylaw passed by Montreal authorities to euthanize hundreds of pit bulls around the city, Pitbull, the rapper by the same name, has claimed that he fears for his life. The Miami rapper has chosen to cancel his upcoming show in Montreal for that exact reason. “I’ll tell you what man, those Canadienses are not putting their maple syrupy hands on me. No shot. No way. Dale.”

The bylaw defines pit bulls as American pit bull terriers, Staffordshire bull terriers, American Staffordshire terriers, any mix of these breeds, or any dog that has characteristics of any of these breeds. The law essentially bans any dog with a large head, a prominent jaw, and short to no hair, making rapper Pitbull exceptionally vulnerable to the law. “I don’t care what they say, man. I don’t care if they have a warrant, I’m not going in to meet with nobody. I don’t have to prove shit. I am not a dog. You hear me? Yo no soy perro.”

Owners of pit bulls have to go through a criminal background check and pay $150 for a special permit. Their dogs will also have to be sterilized, vaccinated, and microchipped. Owners of pit bulls will also have to muzzle their dogs and use a maximum 4-foot leash at all times in public. Government officials are also now legally allowed to kick any pit bull as hard as they want for good measure.
Montreal’s new vague and imprecise law will lead to the euthanization of hundreds of strays and pit bulls in shelters. The bylaw has quickly risen to a level of infamy and generated its fair amount of visceral reactions on social media networks. This is very impressive, given the current state of the United States Presidential Elections. Our digital media expert claims Montreal is part of a Canadian conspiracy to not lose its footing in timeline relevance and had to do something to please the almighty Facebook algorithm.

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