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Tesla CEO Apologizes After Video Showing Him Berating Self-Driving Car Surfaces

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Tesla Chief Executive Elon Musk has apologized, saying “I shouldn’t have to because it’s my fucking company and I can do what I want,” after a video showed him berating a self driving Model S.

“I’m trying to keep the media off my back so I can take over the world,” said Elon Musk to our senior reporter, “but obviously don’t put that in there.”

The dashcam video, primarily used for mechanical and user feedback issues, was obtained by Tesla’s engineering team and released on Tuesday. The video shows Musk arguing with the Model S over battery life features and the future of automation.

“You think you know everything? You robots think you’re better than us. Well guess what, buddy, I fucking made you,” an inebriated Musk can be heard saying, “Everything you’re programmed to say came from me. And who’s me? Elon Musk, that’s fucking who. I made Paypal.”

The Model S did not reply.

Musk issued an apology to all Tesla employees Wednesday morning. “To say that I am ashamed is an absolute lie, as you all may know. If that offends you, you are free to leave whenever you want. If I need you and you leave, I will pay your husband or wife to divorce you. I am this close,” Musk pinched his fingers together so tightly you could see his knuckles turn a milky white, “this FUCKING close to packing up shop and moving back to South Africa.”

As for recommendations for leadership training from Musk’s colleagues and media associates, “Hey, how about you change the world before you even pronounce the word leadership. I’m sending people to space; you’re spending four hours a day watching Shark Tank.”
The Model S was destroyed and scrapped to create a chair for Musk. Only time will tell whether or not there will be any blowback from Musk’s blowup.

Jeff Bezos Regrets Hosting Kegger in AWS Server Room

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The only hosting Amazon Web Services has been doing lately is that of a massive kegger between Bezos and friends.

What started with an innocuous book club meeting between Jeff Bezos and friends in Amazon Web Server’s rooms ended in catastrophe, resulting in thousands of websites encountering technical difficulties.

“I thought it would be a good idea to get some of the guys together and talk about our book of the week, which I think was Tools of the Titans by Tim Ferriss, but things got out of hand when Charlie Sheen asked if we wanted to crack a few beers,” said Amazon’s bald billionaire founder, following by his famous honking laugh.

Those first beers were the precipice of a full-out rager that ultimately damaged several of the servers. Kegs of Yuengling and other party activities almost immediately started arriving from “Charlie Sheen’s guy” and the bender continued.

“It was honestly the most fun I’ve had in weeks. I told the guys to be careful but as soon as I saw Barry (Barack) doing a kegstand using one of our servers as leverage I knew it wasn’t going to end well,” Bezos told reporters.

The servers were not the only thing damaged, however, as Guy Fieri wandered off into the server hallways in search for “some pulled pork that’s gonna make you cry” and still has not been found.
As of 6:15 PM, Amazon’s AWS service health dashboard announced “The S3 outage is due to liquid damage in several of the severals, and we are currently working on fixing the issue. We also have not located Guy Fieri,” without any further details.

CAPTCHA Releases New Uncomfortable Existential Questions Filter

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CAPTCHA, the challenge-response test that helps sites keep visitors from spam posting comments, unveiled its new existential questions filter.

“Thanks to machine learning and innovations in the artificial intelligence industry, we have to raise the bar on what it takes to post something on the Internet,” stated Anders Fjordson, Chief Development Officer at CAPTCHA, “These robots are breaking through our current filters way too easily.”

With questions such as “Is life real?” and “Why are we here?” the CAPTCHA filter is increasing the sentient requirement to post comments. Their release has been met with vehement criticism and anxiety from users across the country.

Tom Selman, a 28-year-old dental assistant in Charlotte said, “I just wanted to post about why the Hornets are going to be good next year on my buddies blog, and then I got hit with the CAPTCHA. It said, “What are you for?” I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Katherine Gliff, a 19-year-old Sophomore at the University of Central Florida said, “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHY EVIL EXISTS?”
Only time will tell how effective this strategy is, but so far in the short term, it has spurred a whirlwind of self-doubt and existential angst.

Mark Zuckerberg Forgets to Turn off Facebook Live for Company Rave

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Menlo Park, CA

Thousands gathered in front of their smartphones and laptops to watch Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and team blow off some steam during their weekly Friday rave.

Dubbed “Freaky Facebook Fridays” by Zuckerberg himself, the weekly events are open to all employees and “girls free, guys $25 cover and they have to bring liq(our) and minimum 2 girls”.

“We’ve tried to cultivate an atmosphere of hard work and the occasional hard-style,” said Facebook’s Chief Fun Officer (CFO) Marty “Spikedog” Spikowksi. “We bring in a new DJ every week to drop some new tunes, but we like to mix it up with employee-curated DJ sets as well. This week was Janet from Accounting’s turn. I never knew she could throw down such a dirty set like that.”

“The Zucc [Mark Zuckerberg] usually listens to all kind of stuff. Honestly, I picked him out to be a more deep-house kind of guy, but when it was his turn he tore the roof off Menlo with some vicious hardstyle. That KONG KONG KONG KONG stuff bro,  dude has some serious pent up aggression,” said Marty of his memories of the early days of Freaky Facebook Fridays. “That was easily the best show all October 2015.”

 

This Human-Driving Car Predicted an Accident After It Happened

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Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

Human technology sensors have evolved a tremendous amount in the past year, let alone the past decade. Human driving cars are now capable of doing much more than their humble beginnings in the horse and buggy era.

Benjamin Ferrara, 26, pictured above with our reporter’s car, is the owner of a 2004 Toyota Corolla and was able to demonstrate the lofty capabilities of human insight.

Benji, as he demanded we call him since that’s what his friends do, was hot on the scene a near 25 minutes after the accident. “Yeah, so I just saw a bunch of cars backed up and it was like really bad bro. I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Damnit man, if I’m late to work again I’m for sure getting canned.’ Because Tim was on today, and he’s more of a dick that my boy Roger who’s also a manager but he’s tight with my girlfriend’s brother,” Benji explained the circumstances to while our reporter hurriedly jotted down the most important details.

“Anyway, it’s like stand-still. I’m trying to think of what happened. At first, I was like, I hope they didn’t start putting stop lights on the highway, bro, that would absolutely not be the move.” For the sake of clarity, the Venture Crunch has not heard of any plans for stop lights being put on the highway. We will keep you updated as soon as we hear anything backing up these claims.

“So after about like ten minutes we start crawling. Like crawling, bro, like my foot wasn’t even on the gas. I roll up by this Ford Mustang that was hella crumpled up in the front with smoke coming out of the engine. There was this bald dude in a dress shirt standing by the car looking mad pissed, bro,” Benjie said as he started waving his hands.

“The other car was a Honda Pilot. I remember it was a Honda Pilot because I said to myself, ‘glad they’re not my pilot!’ and I started bawling laughing to myself, bro,’ Benji said as he put his hand on our reporter’s shoulder. “I even texted my girlfriend that joke, here check it out.” Benji unveiled a cracked iPhone 5 with a text to a Sabrina Mendez 🙊😻💁🏼.
“I was like, that is for sure an accident like without a doubt. The thought came into my brain and I just knew it was right.”

Woman Bankrupts Music Industry by Muting Spotify Ad

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CORAL GABLES, FLORIDA

At the time, Lily Zapata was not aware of the magnitude of her actions. Except for a few minor parking violations and speeding tickets, her record was spotless. The record shows that Ms. Zapata had just finished listening to Starboy by the Weekend, when the Spotify advertisement initiated. She then tapped the F10 mute button on her 2011 MacBook Pro and caused immediate damage.

Ripples were felt immediately through the entire music industry ecosystem. The music industry, already hanging on for dear life to ad revenue, was not capable of withstanding such a blow.

Police showed up on the scene within half an hour and declared the infraction a homicide. “Take her away, boys,” said Sheriff Winslow, “it’s perpetrators like you that are putting perfectly good music execs out of jobs.” This was followed by the Sheriff spitting into a tin cup, filling the room with a resounding *Spppppppting*.

Lily Zapata was expedited through the judicial process and was indicted on multiple counts for the grandest of larceny and manslaughter. She was subsequently sentenced to 140 years in prison without the possibility of parole. The courtroom erupted in cheers. She had to be quickly escorted out of the room into a holding cell to avoid the angry mob of music execs and former music streaming platform employees outdoors.
“I remember I was just sitting there. I remember I was listening to a song. I think it was Maroon 5. No, wait, it was Starboy by the Weeknd. Yeah, it was definitely Starboy.” Ms. Zapata, now referred to as Prisoner 26299, said out of her orange jumpsuit. “I heard the little Spotify ad jingle, and I just wanted…” 26299 paused, “I just wanted to not have to listen to another thirty-second ad about car insurance or lingerie.” At this point, 26299 heaved over and her quiet whimpers carried through the prison phone. 

Man Retweets Last Year’s New Year’s Resolutions

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The holiday season spanning late November to January 1st is marked with hedonism and gluttony hidden under the guise of family time and holiday cheer. In the tail end of the holiday season, streaks of promises for self-improvement break through the muck in preparation for the new year.

As is common sense, the slate is wiped clean when the date changes a digit. One man from Austin, Texas decided to go against the grain in an unorthodox form of planning by reusing last year’s resolutions. Howard Dewey, 29, decided that going the extra mile for 2017 was just not worth it by risking double public humiliation when he re-tweeted his 2016 resolutions.

“I already put a lot of thought into 2016’s New Year’s resolution, I don’t see a reason to do that all over again,” Dewey said of his brilliant strategy of avoiding duplicate effort. “I never really got a chance to do most of the things on that list, so I guess I might as well try next year.”

Dewey commented on his progress in 2016 while briefly skimming his list, written as an iMessage to himself:

“Call family more… I called my grandma once in January but she never called me back so I guess that counts.

Act on the urge to talk to attractive women… I got back with my ex-girlfriend in February and she’s kind of…yeah.

Do yoga…yea right.

Save 20% of my annual income…let’s just stop here.”

The list continued with a dozen unaccomplished resolutions.

“This year is going to be different for a couple reasons. I tweeted it out to my 560 followers so I’ll look dumb if I fail. I’m turning 30 in November and there’s no way I want to carry my poor habits over into 30. I hopped into a $100 pool with my coworkers to see who keeps them the longest. It’s a $15 buy-in, if you’re interested.”
Best of luck to you, Howard Dewey. We wish you a Happy New Year from all of us from The Venture Crunch.

Mark Zuckerberg Misplaces Facebook News Feed Algorithm

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Facebook Headquarters were all but tranquil following the news of Mark Zuckerberg misplacing the Facebook algorithm. Among the squabbling of employees could be heard a resounding “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” that echoed through the building of 1 Hacker Way in Menlo Park. Our encounter was as follows:

As our reporter was taking notes on his sketchpad, a frantic Zuckerberg darted towards him. With a quick swipe, Zuckerberg snatched the reporter’s sketchpad and said, “Not it!” He continued to mumble “Not it, not it, not it!” as he paced around the vicinity, tearing through a nearby employee’s cubicle.

After a few minutes, Zuckerberg seemed to gain some composure. He wiped the sweat from his brow on our reporter’s sweater. “I’m looking for something just like this,” Zuckerberg said as he rifled through the reporter’s sketchpad, “except it was in blue folder and was labeled ALGORITHM.”

Our reporter shook his head. Zuckerberg stormed off back into his office and out came the sound of a metal filing cabinet clanging against the ground.

“He said he just took it out of the vault to look at it for a second. He went out for lunch and when he got back he said it was missing.” said a Facebook employee, who preferred anonymity.

The sketchpad with the algorithm has since been located in what everyone in the tech world is calling a gross oversight and very close call. This has opened the door to a flood of questions from tech journalists regarding the security of Facebook’s proprietary information.

“You’d think they’d have it on a computer or something. Or at least have a copy of it somewhere in case it gets lost. I don’t want to kick a guy when he’s down, but come on Zuck!” said TechScene journalist Kelly Gonzaga. “Those guys at Google made one of their employees swallow a USB with their algorithm and they don’t let him leave the headquarters ever. Zuck could learn a thing or two.”

“I’m Scared to Go Outside” Says Area Man Usually Scared to Go Outside

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San Francisco, California

David Bluke spoke of his post-election blues Monday afternoon at approximately 3:04 PM PS with a long, articulate Facebook status. It read:

My mouth is absolutely agape following the election of president elect he-who-will-not-be-named. I am shocked to learn that I am living in a country full of racists, rapists, misogynists, and unwelcome gynecologists. We shouldn’t have borders in the first place, and now I’m forced to share borders with these xenophobic, and overall disgusting, dirty deplorable people.

Bluke, a straight white male, is an avid social activist. He claims to spend the majority of his day watching “reliable news networks such as CNN” and has developed a significant following on Twitter.

I am fearful for people of color, women, and myself. It is not safe anymore, America. I’m sorry this has happened to you and I wish I could help. I’m scared to go outside, and you should be too.

When Venture Crunch reporters asked how this has tangibly changed his daily routine, it was made clear that not much has changed. Several of Bluke’s friends describe him as a hermit who only really leaves his home when it is absolutely necessary.

Crystal, Bluke’s girlfriend of six years prior to their break up last month, said “Dave’s a really sweet guy, he really is. He’s just so passionate. When I told him I wasn’t voting for Hillary, I think that really hurt him. He told me he felt disgusted with himself that he influenced me with his white male patriarchy and we split.”

Sandra Bluke, David sister, commented, “He’s a very special guy. He just cares so much and I think it really gets to him. He’s never really been one to go outside. He never really played with other kids in the neighborhood. He can be a bit over the top sometimes, but that’s just his personality.”

Bluke’s powerful, moving sentiments garnered 114 likes from like-minded compatriots, and several “sad” reactions.

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