RIO DE JANEIRO
The 2016 Summer Olympics fencing competitions are set to kick off with a last minute marginal change in the equipment. Due to heightened security to keep the Olympic games as safe as possible the traditional foil, épée, and sabre swords have been prohibited from entering the games arena.
“Safety is, and always will be our number one concern. Granted, we voted to put the Olympics in one of the most dangerous cities in the world to shake things up,” The International Olympic Committee commented, “But this is the right step forward. This gives us the perfect opportunity to pilot our Facebook Live Stream from the player’s point of view.”
The Olympic Games will without a doubt draw in huge crowds, but fencing enthusiasts around the country are enraged. Fencing has been around since the 18th century and is held in the highest regards among society’s elite. The artistry of these real life duels brings the spirit of Medieval one on one combat, but now with a twist of 2016.
The players, however, have a mixed palate of opinions ranging from optimistically apathetic, to outright incensed.
“They don’t really give much way… but I’ve got one at home that can do an extending sort of motion. It’ll be a good way to do a surprise attack I think.”
Naito Miura, of Japan.
“I don’t know why I’ve spent so many countless hours training with a sabre to have to deal with this shit. These selfie sticks are absolutely nothing like what we’ve been training with. Now I’ve got to switch up my whole style of play only a few days out? Fuck!”
Julius Gonzalez, of the Portugal.
“First they have us staying within walking distance of the favelas, and now I can’t even have my sword? How am I supposed to defend myself? Forget the Olympics, man, if we’re going to be in the Hunger Games at least give us a fighting chance!”
Leanna Calvo, of the United States.
The athletes will have the choice of three different selfie sticks of different lengths, weight, and grip. China, as per vote by the International Olympic Committee will have to use their locally made shitty selfie sticks that have been falling apart all around the globe.