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Monthly archive

August 2016

Incestry.com Tells Users If They Have Any Incest in Their Background

in Shitty Product Hunt by

TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA –

 Incestry.com offers the user information on whether they are either directly or peripherally related to any incest. “We came up with the idea when we found out my buddy Trevor’s great-grandparents had the same last name before they got married. It didn’t take us more than two minutes to figure out they were actually second cousins,”  said founder Bernard Landry with a smirk. “He don’t really like us telling people about it, but he’s not even really that messed up in the head. He’ll get over it.”

Incest is a sensitive matter for most, and the team has pivoted based on initial user feedback. “We thought it would be a light way to break the news by having a pop-up come up and say ‘You’ve got Incest!’ like the AOL thing back in the day, but people weren’t taking too kindly to that.” said Landry, adding that they are now outsourcing personal phone calls to “a really good company out in India or somewhere.”

Initially as a play to enter the genealogy market, Landry stated that the majority of revenue has been in selling the quantitative analytics to brands such as Coors Light, Jack Link’s Beef Jerky, and shirts that say Hold My Beer. “What they do with the information ain’t really our concern, but we have our best guesses.” It doesn’t take a genius to see a correlation between their increase in marketing expenditures and where Incestry.com results showed the highest frequency of incest.

In an attempt to create a viral marketing campaign, users now have the option to share, tweet, or even do a live feed of themselves receiving the results. The developers of the site told reporters Monday that their proprietary algorithm promises an accuracy rate of 90%. The site currently has a 150,000 registered users.

 

Freelancer Keeps Strict Work/Sleep Separation in Bed

in Social by

St. LOUIS, MISSOURI

Upon walking into the office/bedroom of 26 year old freelancer Morris Balmhorn, one can see a disciplined attempt at creating a balance between work and life. Morris, a Journalism Graduate from the University of Missouri prides himself in running a tight ship when it comes to his solopreneur business endeavors and the time he keeps for himself.

The working portion of the queen sized bed is equipped with a state of the art ergonomic back pillow with arm rests for the user to comfortably rest their elbows, as their laptop slowly overheats their crotch. The sleeping portion, however, is “streamlined for peace of mind” with all the sleeping essentials such as two pillows and a comforter.  “I guess you could call me a digital nomad, but I don’t really go anywhere. Or see anyone,” said Morris “It’s just more productive and less expensive for me too just stay at home.”

Although Morris claims the isolation from general society has been advantageous to his general productivity, there was something perturbed about the fellow. “I used to have lots of friends I would see every single day,” commented Morris, “HAHAH but I don’t really see them anymore. It’s fine, really.”

For fun, Morris enjoys the occasional Tim Ferriss podcast or if he is feeling “rowdy” he’ll watch a couple Gary Vaynerchuk Youtube videos. “Nothing fires me up more than some Gary Vee in 1080p, you know what I mean?” Morris said while extending an open palm for a high five only to grip onto our journalist’s hand for a period of six seconds. It was then that Morris interjected with another shrieked “HAHA” before putting his hands in his pockets.

We reached out to the friend we found in Morris’s Facebook profile picture (dated May 2009) for a comment. “Balmhorn?! I thought he was dead! No, seriously. All of our friends thought he was dead. How’s he been?”

Morris also has a pull-up bar built into the frame of his door.

Instagram Reveals Plans for “Top 8” Feature

in Social by

Instagram’s release of the “Stories” feature last week was met with backlash from critics and users worldwide. The company, however, continues to hold its position despite user loyalties to Snapchat. Our sources confirmed that Instagram will be launching a “Top 8” sort of feature reminiscent of MySpace. We sent our journalist to their headquarters to further explore.

Instagram’s “Best 8” is going to categorize a user-curated list of followers that user’s deem to be their best friends. The Elite Eight are going to appear publicly on their profile to show visitors who the user is close with, but also to allow users to keep associates from getting too chummy on their pictures. In perspective, Facebook invented the newsfeed, which was then copied by Linkedin, Twitter, and Instagram. Instagram invented filters, which were then copied by Snapchat. Myspace invented hierarchical friendship, and it is only natural the idea start making its rounds in the startup world as well.

“We spent $14 million dollars on the new Crema, Perpetua, and Ludwig filters and no one really cared.” commented our source, whom we shall call Kristof. “Snapchat puts out one dog filter and their company jumps up a couple billion.” Although the financial repercussions of Instagram’s “Stories” feature are not clear yet, they are sure to increase friction in the market for attention with Snapchat. Once our reporter asked if this had anything to do with Snapchat turning down Facebook’s previous acquisition offer, the atmosphere started to get tense.

“We really have our hands tied here.” said Kristof as he turned up the volume on his Macbook. Suddenly the room filled with Bon Iver’s Holocene. “These orders came from high up. Really high up.” Kristof then scribbled on a piece of paper on his desk and slid it over to our reporter. It’s Zuckerberg. Help me, they have my family.

It was at this point that two men with shaven heads and suits entered the office and escorted our journalist outside of the premises.

Virtual Reality App Lets You Pretend You’re Eating Healthy

in Sports by

DANIA BEACH, FLORIDA

CalorieZ is a virtual reality app that helps the user envision components of their meal substituted with a variety of healthier food options ranging from kale salads, lean chicken breast, tofu, and many more. “We want to create a world where you don’t really have to eat healthy to eat healthy,” commented Founder Orin Obst. “We had that ‘Aha!’ moment when we turned a Chalupa into a piece of celery.”

As far as any difficulties in developing the app, CPO Lenz Obst said “We still haven’t figured out how to make broccoli. We’ve got our best minds behind it. We keep making trees.” But this hasn’t stopped the massive interest, the app currently has a waiting list of over 15,000 eager customers and is thought to be one of a huge win for body positivity enthusiasts around the country.

For a monthly subscription fee of $39.50, CalorieZ premium organizes the user’s meals into an elegant and classy platter comparable to a five star healthy meal. It also allows users to take a snapshot of their meal and automatically post it to their social media accounts with hashtags such as: #everbodyisbeautiful #fitfam #EatClean #Paleo #Crossfit.

“Unbelievable… I just finished eating some Loaded Chili Cheese Fries from Checkers, but as far as my eyes are concerned I just had a handful of almonds and grapes!” said one clearly satisfied user by the name of Derrick Myers.

“Am I eating a Double Whopper, or apple slices and peanut butter? Haha! Obviously I know what I’m doing to my body but it’s nice to pretend.” said Stacy Fuller.

CalorieZ works on all VR headsets including the Oculus Rift, HTC Vive, and Google Cardboard. The brilliant minds behind CalorieZ are working on another virtual app that lets users see an athletic version of themselves in any mirror.

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