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September 2016

Pitbull Cancels Montreal Concert Out of Fear for His Safety

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Due to the new bylaw passed by Montreal authorities to euthanize hundreds of pit bulls around the city, Pitbull, the rapper by the same name, has claimed that he fears for his life. The Miami rapper has chosen to cancel his upcoming show in Montreal for that exact reason. “I’ll tell you what man, those Canadienses are not putting their maple syrupy hands on me. No shot. No way. Dale.”

The bylaw defines pit bulls as American pit bull terriers, Staffordshire bull terriers, American Staffordshire terriers, any mix of these breeds, or any dog that has characteristics of any of these breeds. The law essentially bans any dog with a large head, a prominent jaw, and short to no hair, making rapper Pitbull exceptionally vulnerable to the law. “I don’t care what they say, man. I don’t care if they have a warrant, I’m not going in to meet with nobody. I don’t have to prove shit. I am not a dog. You hear me? Yo no soy perro.”

Owners of pit bulls have to go through a criminal background check and pay $150 for a special permit. Their dogs will also have to be sterilized, vaccinated, and microchipped. Owners of pit bulls will also have to muzzle their dogs and use a maximum 4-foot leash at all times in public. Government officials are also now legally allowed to kick any pit bull as hard as they want for good measure.
Montreal’s new vague and imprecise law will lead to the euthanization of hundreds of strays and pit bulls in shelters. The bylaw has quickly risen to a level of infamy and generated its fair amount of visceral reactions on social media networks. This is very impressive, given the current state of the United States Presidential Elections. Our digital media expert claims Montreal is part of a Canadian conspiracy to not lose its footing in timeline relevance and had to do something to please the almighty Facebook algorithm.

2016 Presidential Debate Hosted by WorldStarHipHop.com

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WASHINGTON DC

In an effort to appeal to Millennial voters, the organizers for the 2016 Presidential Debates have chosen to host the expectedly heated debates exclusively on WorldStarHipHop.com.

WorldStarHipHop, best known for its videos of people fighting, twerking videos, and the occasional rap video is judged to be the best platform to capture Millennial attention. The Millennial demographic has quickly turned into one of the most sought after demographics in the Presidential Race, and both candidates are willing to do whatever they can to win them over. “I love WorldStarHipHop!” said Hillary Clinton. The Donald Trump campaign refused to speak on the subject.

“Many Americans spend a minimum of four hours per day watching videos on either Facebook, Youtube, or other sites like WorldStarHipHop. It would be foolish to ignore these statistics and keep broadcasting the debates on TV. Most Millennials don’t even pay for cable anymore and to engage them you need to meet them where they are,” said digital media analyst Jeb Velichik, who continued on to say that hosting these debates on WorldStarHipHop would expose voters to a plethora of new opinions and content. “We encourage Americans to broaden their horizons and really get a feeling for what is out there on the Internet. The Internet is full of such species advancing content that often goes overlooked.”
The Millennial turnout rate in the upcoming election is going to be a critical component of the election. The World Star Hip Hop campaign to convert apathetic Millennial voters into eager and productive members of society is going to be the main strategy. “One of the best ways to reach your target audience is to meet them on their platform, and the platform for the majority of the 18-24 year old vote is on sites like World Star Hip Hop.” continued Velichik.

Apple to Release “Find My Headphones” App

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San Francisco, California

Coinciding with the company’s most important outing of the year, Apple has announced the release of the “Find My Headphones” app. As impressive as the presentation for the iPhone 7 and 7+ was, many were left with a bad taste for Apple’s decision to obsolete the headphone jack and introduce their wireless headphones, the AirPods. These small headphones allow users to stream music, talk to friends, or for those without friends, talk to Siri.

Apple is known for tackling some of the largest problems in consumer facing tech, but now they are tasked with the biggest problem yet: making wireless headphones cool. AirPods are expected to transform the headphone world the same way vaping transformed the tobacco world.

The first obstacle to overcome is the consumer’s fear of losing these expensive cotton swabs. “We don’t actually expect people to never lose them. That would be ludicrous,” Tim Cook announced, “Our primary strategy was to price them so high that people wouldn’t dare lose them just because they’re so expensive.” With a price tag of $159, these headphones will be worth multiples more than the music users are streaming that they didn’t pay for.

In development is Apple’s “Find My Headphones” app. It is expected to constantly be turned on and drain a high percentage of the user’s battery, and cannot be deleted from the iPhone 7.

Roger Doinfet, local man with large ear canals, fears for the safety of his cochlea. “I feel I would be one rapid head turn from losing them in my ears.”

Doug Stevens, local patriot, fears the wireless component makes us vulnerable to hackers. “The last thing we need is them damn Koreans blasting K-Pop and Gangnam Style whenever they damn well please. It’s bad enough Apple stuck us with that U2 album with the cover of two shirtless dudes hugging. What was up with that by the way?”

Only time will tell if these high tech q-tips will be a market success, but there is one thing for certain. They will be lost many times over.

 

Facebook Memories a Harrowing Reminder of Who Man Once Was

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Wilmington, North Carolina

It was just another ordinary day for 24 year old Wilmington native Benjamin Rushty, until he got a notification pertaining to his Facebook memories. Hundreds of thousands of Facebook users are plagued by the On This Day reminder. It seems innocent enough, but for most it is a dark reminiscence of a past almost forgotten. The Venture Crunch was on the scene to investigate.

The notification starts off by luring users to click it by name-dropping a few of their closest friends, some of whom users have not spoken to in years. Rushty compares the feeling of seeing this notification to the gut lurching feeling of falling. “I didn’t think the course of my day could change so drastically by a little red notification” The user is lead to a list of memories in chronological order. The further you scroll, the deeper in the memory cave you end up. Many don’t get a chance to see the light to find their way out of the Facebook Memories abyss.

“You can’t really win. It’s either showing you how good you used to look when you were younger, or that you posted weird updates on your unimpressive life,” says Angela Rushty as she consoled her brother, “Even worse is if nothing pops up at all. It really makes you think, where does the time go? Why are we here? What are we for?”

Rushty handed us his phone to check the notification with empty glaze over his eyes. It started innocent enough with a few new friendships, but things took a turn for the worse around the 2010 mark. “This was when Ben was in high school. He was a late bloomer,” said Angela.

A late bloomer he was, as each scroll downward was harder to chew than the last. The punctuation and lack of grammar was the first telltale sign of a man with no compass. His statuses were just awful, most of them with no likes at all. Among the low quality images of Rushty and his pre-pubescent posse was the occasional video that no longer worked.  It was until we got to the 2008 notifications that we had to put the phone down.

On our way out of the gloomy scene, we passed by Rushty’s room to give him our support. The immovable Rushty was staring into his mirror repeating to himself, “You are not your On This Day notification. You are not your On This Day notification. You Are not your On This Day notification.”

Tim Cook Sentenced to Stonehenge White Collar Prison

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Earlier this week, the European Union ruled that Apple must pay a tax bill to the tune of $14.5 billion in back tax payments. Our political correspondent was on the scene.

France joined Germany on Thursday to back Brussels as the tensions across the pond continued to grow. “You know things are getting pretty serious if France and Germany get along on anything.” The United States sided with Apple and accused the European Union for trying to take tax revenue that should go to the U.S. government.

Ireland, however, was initially hesitant to pursue the tax demands as the low tax regime has attracted many talented persons and created jobs. It was until Ireland heard about the numerical value of how much Apple owed that they decided to sentence Tim Cook to white collar prison in Stonehenge for tax evasion. We assume the conversation to have occurred as follows:

EU: “Ireland, we just want to run this by you because we know you’ve got quite a stake in the situation. We haven’t always been the most fair with you, but we must band together against the American juggernaut.”

Ireland: “I don’t know, guys. I don’t want to risk thousands of jobs just for a couple million dollars. Apple has been pretty good to us.”

EU: “Billions, actually.”

Ireland: “…”

EU: “$14.5 billion to be exact.”

Ireland: “Hang them from the gallows.”

Apple’s Chief Executive Tim Cook described the ruling as “total political crap” which is a significantly toned down version of what his predecessor Steve Jobs would have likely described as “Absolute fucking bullshit. Fuck them.”

Ireland has plans to repurpose the mysterious grounds of Stonehenge into a high security facility for Tim Cook as a symbolic gesture towards tax evaders across the world. Only time will tell whether or not the United States will send Tim Cook over to settle the issue.

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