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October 2016

Elon Musk Unveils Solar Panel Skin

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Elon Musk

In what the Tesla is calling “The ultimate solution to the world’s race and energy problems,” Elon Musk announced the release of Solar Panel Skin.

The grey skinsuit works the same way all solar panels do, but essentially gives human beings the ability to conduct photosynthesis. “We want to give human beings the power to create energy, rather than be constantly using it. We let our imaginations run wild. Solar Panel Skin people can utilize their generated energy to power their homes, their cars, or even their bodies and eliminate the need for food, but we know that most people will probably just use it to charge their phones,” said Chief Engineer behind Solar Panel Skin Mischa Gopnikov.

Not only will the grey scaled skin suit create energy, it is believed to quell racial tensions. “When coming up with the sleek grey color scheme for the skin cells, we blurred all major ethnicities together and got this cool, slimy grey complexion,” said Chief Designer Elliott Senzaki. In the vision Tesla has for the future, human beings themselves will be integrated with the power grid to utilize the sun to its full potential. Tesla’s humans will be able to go for a walk and produce enough charge to power a household for 24 hours, or run a Macbook Pro with 12 tabs open on Google Chrome for 30 minutes.

The mechanics behind the Solar Panel Skin is marvelous in its own right. Through Tesla’s proprietary engineering, they have managed to fuse solar cells with active skin cells. It is assumed that Elon Musk himself came up with the idea after a brisk walk through his favorite greenhouse. Tesla engineers have kept the project under a veil of secrecy, but a few rumors state that several engineers were forced to mate with different types of plants.

Tesla has been working on these skin suits for a few years, and they are projected to be released in Spring 2017.  

Elon Musk Says Tesla Will Buy the Sun

in Tech News by
Elon Musk

Tesla CEO Elon Musk tweeted early Wednesday morning that he will soon make a bid to purchase the Sun, a statement that, while shocking to some, came as no surprise to many who have been watching the eccentric billionaire work to bring his plans to light.

elonTweet

“The man wants to save the world with solar,” alternative energy consultant Jeffrey Barnes told the Venture Crunch, “he’s got solar collectors, he’s got solar storage, he’s got solar cars: the obvious next step was the solar source.”

This announcement comes right on the tail of Musk’s announcement that Tesla would move to merge with solar energy company Solar City (of which Musk owns a large share), one of the largest installers of solar energy systems. Buying the sun will be the first of its kind for a solar company.

“The addition of the Sun the Tesla’s holdings will make our job that much easier,” a ranking official at Solar City, who desired to remain anonymous, said. “The biggest problem with solar is it doesn’t work at night, ya know? With full access to the Sun all day our output worries are over.”

While Musk declined to comment to the VC, Tesla put out a press release confirming the claim and expanding on the statement:

“Tesla mission is and will continue to be the advancement and development of alternative energy technology in pursuit of a more sustainable future. A deal will be reached on the merger with Solar City soon, but we never stop looking to the future. The addition of the Sun to the Tesla family is the next step in realizing our lofty goals.”

Elon Musk intends to inspect the Sun’s fusion reactor personally before negotiations begin early next month, and SpaceX has apparently been developing a rocket capable of bringing the CEO to the star for some time now.

WikiLeaks Releases Hillary Clinton’s “Sexytime” Spotify Playlist

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Hillary Wikileaks Sexygate

News broke earlier this morning for yet another WikiLeaks release of information that is detrimental to Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. Early Tuesday morning, WikiLeaks released a Spotify Playlist called Sexytime that is believed to be curated by Hillary Clinton.

The playlist included classics like Elvis Presley’s Burning Love, Etta James’s I Just Want To Make Love to You, and Rod Stewart’s Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” as well as more contemporary jams like Beyoncé’s All Night, Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love, and the Weeknd’s Wicked Games.

Multiple sources within the Clinton campaign administration have fervently denied Hillary Clinton’s involvement with said “Sexytime” playlist.

Donald Trump wasted no time in condemning Hillary’s music choices at his rally in Green Bay. “She’s a monster. The liberal media doesn’t want you to hear about this. If we’re on the subject of role models, do you really want your kids looking up to a President that listens to Rod Stewart? The man is a degenerate.”

This critical leak of information could play out to be a game changer. “The pure knowledge that millions of people know what you’ve been listening to during your intimate times has got to be unnerving at a deep level,” commented emotional psychologist Jonathan Buckley. The election may depend on whether or not Hillary will be able to steer the Presidential Debates on Wednesday’s away from this direction.

“As soon as people start judging her music choices on stage, she could be in deep trouble. It’s flustering and there’s no real relevant counterpoint that can be made. You try talking about immigration when the question at hand is Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. It’s the perfect political quicksand. I’m sure we can expect Trump to pull the Sexygate card in the closing minutes,” said political expert Judd Pinker.

When confronted by reporters about Wikileaks, husband Bill Clinton gave a double thumbs up before being escorted away by Hillary’s campaign manager.
The White House has yet to make a comment on Sexygate.

Girl Awarded Pulitzer for Her October 3rd Mean Girls Status

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It was just another Monday for 20 year old McKenzie Cline until she realized it was October 3rd. She immediately took to her iPhone 6s plus to notify the world of the Mean Girls reference with what judges called “the perfect picture to go along with her status.”

The Pulitzer Prize is a prestigious award for achievements in newspaper, musical composition, magazine and online journalism. In an attempt to increase the award’s popularity among the Millennial generation, the organizers have decided to extend the online journalism to Facebook and Twitter.

Milana Dawson, a historian specializing in popular films from the 2000s, commended McKenzie’s work as one of the finer allusions to the iconic film Mean Girls. “Every year, you will see shoddy attempts of creating the perfect Mean Girls status. Ms. Cline’s piece is reminiscent of a Mean Girls status in 2009, but the inclusion of a picture really set her apart.” Although similar to the 2009 status, Cline’s status was different and unique enough to put her miles ahead of all other statuses. Pablo Picasso’s words ring loud and clear; good artists borrow, great artists steal.

David Schulz, a former director for the Pulitzer Prize committee, hailed Ms. Cline’s work as absolutely groundbreaking. “It is a breath of fresh air to see such intellectual pieces of literature coming out of this new generation. Work such as McKenzie Cline’s not only brings back fond memories of the 2004 movie, but also reminds us what day it is today.” For those people who thought today was October 2nd or October 4th, please make any adjustments on your paperwork and emails or risk sounding like a complete buffoon.

We reached out to McKenzie for a statement. “This is just so surreal. I LOVE Lily Pulitzer! Seriously. Love you. Mean it.”

McKenzie, a Junior at the University of South Florida, now has another item to add to her resume right below her involvement in Student Government.

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