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November 2016

“I’m Scared to Go Outside” Says Area Man Usually Scared to Go Outside

in News by

San Francisco, California

David Bluke spoke of his post-election blues Monday afternoon at approximately 3:04 PM PS with a long, articulate Facebook status. It read:

My mouth is absolutely agape following the election of president elect he-who-will-not-be-named. I am shocked to learn that I am living in a country full of racists, rapists, misogynists, and unwelcome gynecologists. We shouldn’t have borders in the first place, and now I’m forced to share borders with these xenophobic, and overall disgusting, dirty deplorable people.

Bluke, a straight white male, is an avid social activist. He claims to spend the majority of his day watching “reliable news networks such as CNN” and has developed a significant following on Twitter.

I am fearful for people of color, women, and myself. It is not safe anymore, America. I’m sorry this has happened to you and I wish I could help. I’m scared to go outside, and you should be too.

When Venture Crunch reporters asked how this has tangibly changed his daily routine, it was made clear that not much has changed. Several of Bluke’s friends describe him as a hermit who only really leaves his home when it is absolutely necessary.

Crystal, Bluke’s girlfriend of six years prior to their break up last month, said “Dave’s a really sweet guy, he really is. He’s just so passionate. When I told him I wasn’t voting for Hillary, I think that really hurt him. He told me he felt disgusted with himself that he influenced me with his white male patriarchy and we split.”

Sandra Bluke, David sister, commented, “He’s a very special guy. He just cares so much and I think it really gets to him. He’s never really been one to go outside. He never really played with other kids in the neighborhood. He can be a bit over the top sometimes, but that’s just his personality.”

Bluke’s powerful, moving sentiments garnered 114 likes from like-minded compatriots, and several “sad” reactions.

Cash4Votes: Sell Your Voter Apathy for Cold Hard Cash

in Venture Crunch Labs by

It’s the remix to Ignition, Fresh out the Venture Crunch kitchen, Cash4Votes got every woman and man in here wishin’

Ok we have to stop that before R. Kelly sues us too.  

We are ecstatic to introduce Cash4Votes:

Users will be able to appraise their vote with on-site calculator and then get instantly paired with a buyer.

But wait – wasn’t selling your vote outlawed in the 19th century? Probably, but let’s be real they didn’t have Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump running for the presidency back then, did they?

My favorite part about this idea could actually work in this political landscape. This goes down the trail of candidates buying voters with campaign money, but at least we wouldn’t have to listen to awful campaign ads in the middle of our “sensual jams” Spotify playlist.

Even charging a minimal 5% transaction fee on a site like this would bring in *counts fingers* big bucks. Only 53.6% of the voting age population voted in 2012, leaving 111.9 million potential voters sitting at home probably reading my blog. The average citizen is willing to sell their vote for around $100. This means Cash4Votes could potentially tap into $5,595,000 in revenue in just a few months. Sup Shark Tank?

Unfortunately, we can’t legally have actual transactions on the site. Although Moskov v. United States sounds like a good name for my next book, crowdfunding your legal fees is not a good look.

In all seriousness, the financial viability of this should be a wakeup call to the value of your vote. This isn’t going to turn into one of those “it’s your duty to vote, (as long as it’s for my candidate)” posts you might see from millionaire celebrities, so cool your jets. Voting is your right; you are no more obligated to vote than you are to exercise your right to go buy an M-15.

But, it is your intellectual obligation to not complain if you don’t vote. You will be no different than feudal Russian serfs talking shit miles away from their lords. When you realize your trip to Cancun is going to involved some wall-climbing, you gotta take it. When you see your paycheck docked an extra couple hundred bucks to pay for your friend Dan’s racist grandpa’s hip surgery because of Obamacare, you gotta take it.

Unless you vote. Then you’ve got a green pass to complain all you want.

Check out Cash4VotesBuilt by the extremely talented Jonas Fleur-Aimi and envisioned by the visionary Alex Moskov (who will probably take as much credit as he can but it’s obvious who the real Woz is.)

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