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December 2016

Man Retweets Last Year’s New Year’s Resolutions

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The holiday season spanning late November to January 1st is marked with hedonism and gluttony hidden under the guise of family time and holiday cheer. In the tail end of the holiday season, streaks of promises for self-improvement break through the muck in preparation for the new year.

As is common sense, the slate is wiped clean when the date changes a digit. One man from Austin, Texas decided to go against the grain in an unorthodox form of planning by reusing last year’s resolutions. Howard Dewey, 29, decided that going the extra mile for 2017 was just not worth it by risking double public humiliation when he re-tweeted his 2016 resolutions.

“I already put a lot of thought into 2016’s New Year’s resolution, I don’t see a reason to do that all over again,” Dewey said of his brilliant strategy of avoiding duplicate effort. “I never really got a chance to do most of the things on that list, so I guess I might as well try next year.”

Dewey commented on his progress in 2016 while briefly skimming his list, written as an iMessage to himself:

“Call family more… I called my grandma once in January but she never called me back so I guess that counts.

Act on the urge to talk to attractive women… I got back with my ex-girlfriend in February and she’s kind of…yeah.

Do yoga…yea right.

Save 20% of my annual income…let’s just stop here.”

The list continued with a dozen unaccomplished resolutions.

“This year is going to be different for a couple reasons. I tweeted it out to my 560 followers so I’ll look dumb if I fail. I’m turning 30 in November and there’s no way I want to carry my poor habits over into 30. I hopped into a $100 pool with my coworkers to see who keeps them the longest. It’s a $15 buy-in, if you’re interested.”
Best of luck to you, Howard Dewey. We wish you a Happy New Year from all of us from The Venture Crunch.

Mark Zuckerberg Misplaces Facebook News Feed Algorithm

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Facebook Headquarters were all but tranquil following the news of Mark Zuckerberg misplacing the Facebook algorithm. Among the squabbling of employees could be heard a resounding “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” that echoed through the building of 1 Hacker Way in Menlo Park. Our encounter was as follows:

As our reporter was taking notes on his sketchpad, a frantic Zuckerberg darted towards him. With a quick swipe, Zuckerberg snatched the reporter’s sketchpad and said, “Not it!” He continued to mumble “Not it, not it, not it!” as he paced around the vicinity, tearing through a nearby employee’s cubicle.

After a few minutes, Zuckerberg seemed to gain some composure. He wiped the sweat from his brow on our reporter’s sweater. “I’m looking for something just like this,” Zuckerberg said as he rifled through the reporter’s sketchpad, “except it was in blue folder and was labeled ALGORITHM.”

Our reporter shook his head. Zuckerberg stormed off back into his office and out came the sound of a metal filing cabinet clanging against the ground.

“He said he just took it out of the vault to look at it for a second. He went out for lunch and when he got back he said it was missing.” said a Facebook employee, who preferred anonymity.

The sketchpad with the algorithm has since been located in what everyone in the tech world is calling a gross oversight and very close call. This has opened the door to a flood of questions from tech journalists regarding the security of Facebook’s proprietary information.

“You’d think they’d have it on a computer or something. Or at least have a copy of it somewhere in case it gets lost. I don’t want to kick a guy when he’s down, but come on Zuck!” said TechScene journalist Kelly Gonzaga. “Those guys at Google made one of their employees swallow a USB with their algorithm and they don’t let him leave the headquarters ever. Zuck could learn a thing or two.”

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