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January 2017

This Human-Driving Car Predicted an Accident After It Happened

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Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

Human technology sensors have evolved a tremendous amount in the past year, let alone the past decade. Human driving cars are now capable of doing much more than their humble beginnings in the horse and buggy era.

Benjamin Ferrara, 26, pictured above with our reporter’s car, is the owner of a 2004 Toyota Corolla and was able to demonstrate the lofty capabilities of human insight.

Benji, as he demanded we call him since that’s what his friends do, was hot on the scene a near 25 minutes after the accident. “Yeah, so I just saw a bunch of cars backed up and it was like really bad bro. I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Damnit man, if I’m late to work again I’m for sure getting canned.’ Because Tim was on today, and he’s more of a dick that my boy Roger who’s also a manager but he’s tight with my girlfriend’s brother,” Benji explained the circumstances to while our reporter hurriedly jotted down the most important details.

“Anyway, it’s like stand-still. I’m trying to think of what happened. At first, I was like, I hope they didn’t start putting stop lights on the highway, bro, that would absolutely not be the move.” For the sake of clarity, the Venture Crunch has not heard of any plans for stop lights being put on the highway. We will keep you updated as soon as we hear anything backing up these claims.

“So after about like ten minutes we start crawling. Like crawling, bro, like my foot wasn’t even on the gas. I roll up by this Ford Mustang that was hella crumpled up in the front with smoke coming out of the engine. There was this bald dude in a dress shirt standing by the car looking mad pissed, bro,” Benjie said as he started waving his hands.

“The other car was a Honda Pilot. I remember it was a Honda Pilot because I said to myself, ‘glad they’re not my pilot!’ and I started bawling laughing to myself, bro,’ Benji said as he put his hand on our reporter’s shoulder. “I even texted my girlfriend that joke, here check it out.” Benji unveiled a cracked iPhone 5 with a text to a Sabrina Mendez 🙊😻💁🏼.
“I was like, that is for sure an accident like without a doubt. The thought came into my brain and I just knew it was right.”

Woman Bankrupts Music Industry by Muting Spotify Ad

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CORAL GABLES, FLORIDA

At the time, Lily Zapata was not aware of the magnitude of her actions. Except for a few minor parking violations and speeding tickets, her record was spotless. The record shows that Ms. Zapata had just finished listening to Starboy by the Weekend, when the Spotify advertisement initiated. She then tapped the F10 mute button on her 2011 MacBook Pro and caused immediate damage.

Ripples were felt immediately through the entire music industry ecosystem. The music industry, already hanging on for dear life to ad revenue, was not capable of withstanding such a blow.

Police showed up on the scene within half an hour and declared the infraction a homicide. “Take her away, boys,” said Sheriff Winslow, “it’s perpetrators like you that are putting perfectly good music execs out of jobs.” This was followed by the Sheriff spitting into a tin cup, filling the room with a resounding *Spppppppting*.

Lily Zapata was expedited through the judicial process and was indicted on multiple counts for the grandest of larceny and manslaughter. She was subsequently sentenced to 140 years in prison without the possibility of parole. The courtroom erupted in cheers. She had to be quickly escorted out of the room into a holding cell to avoid the angry mob of music execs and former music streaming platform employees outdoors.
“I remember I was just sitting there. I remember I was listening to a song. I think it was Maroon 5. No, wait, it was Starboy by the Weeknd. Yeah, it was definitely Starboy.” Ms. Zapata, now referred to as Prisoner 26299, said out of her orange jumpsuit. “I heard the little Spotify ad jingle, and I just wanted…” 26299 paused, “I just wanted to not have to listen to another thirty-second ad about car insurance or lingerie.” At this point, 26299 heaved over and her quiet whimpers carried through the prison phone. 

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