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February 2017

Jeff Bezos Regrets Hosting Kegger in AWS Server Room

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The only hosting Amazon Web Services has been doing lately is that of a massive kegger between Bezos and friends.

What started with an innocuous book club meeting between Jeff Bezos and friends in Amazon Web Server’s rooms ended in catastrophe, resulting in thousands of websites encountering technical difficulties.

“I thought it would be a good idea to get some of the guys together and talk about our book of the week, which I think was Tools of the Titans by Tim Ferriss, but things got out of hand when Charlie Sheen asked if we wanted to crack a few beers,” said Amazon’s bald billionaire founder, following by his famous honking laugh.

Those first beers were the precipice of a full-out rager that ultimately damaged several of the servers. Kegs of Yuengling and other party activities almost immediately started arriving from “Charlie Sheen’s guy” and the bender continued.

“It was honestly the most fun I’ve had in weeks. I told the guys to be careful but as soon as I saw Barry (Barack) doing a kegstand using one of our servers as leverage I knew it wasn’t going to end well,” Bezos told reporters.

The servers were not the only thing damaged, however, as Guy Fieri wandered off into the server hallways in search for “some pulled pork that’s gonna make you cry” and still has not been found.
As of 6:15 PM, Amazon’s AWS service health dashboard announced “The S3 outage is due to liquid damage in several of the severals, and we are currently working on fixing the issue. We also have not located Guy Fieri,” without any further details.

CAPTCHA Releases New Uncomfortable Existential Questions Filter

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CAPTCHA, the challenge-response test that helps sites keep visitors from spam posting comments, unveiled its new existential questions filter.

“Thanks to machine learning and innovations in the artificial intelligence industry, we have to raise the bar on what it takes to post something on the Internet,” stated Anders Fjordson, Chief Development Officer at CAPTCHA, “These robots are breaking through our current filters way too easily.”

With questions such as “Is life real?” and “Why are we here?” the CAPTCHA filter is increasing the sentient requirement to post comments. Their release has been met with vehement criticism and anxiety from users across the country.

Tom Selman, a 28-year-old dental assistant in Charlotte said, “I just wanted to post about why the Hornets are going to be good next year on my buddies blog, and then I got hit with the CAPTCHA. It said, “What are you for?” I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Katherine Gliff, a 19-year-old Sophomore at the University of Central Florida said, “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHY EVIL EXISTS?”
Only time will tell how effective this strategy is, but so far in the short term, it has spurred a whirlwind of self-doubt and existential angst.

Mark Zuckerberg Forgets to Turn off Facebook Live for Company Rave

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Menlo Park, CA

Thousands gathered in front of their smartphones and laptops to watch Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and team blow off some steam during their weekly Friday rave.

Dubbed “Freaky Facebook Fridays” by Zuckerberg himself, the weekly events are open to all employees and “girls free, guys $25 cover and they have to bring liq(our) and minimum 2 girls”.

“We’ve tried to cultivate an atmosphere of hard work and the occasional hard-style,” said Facebook’s Chief Fun Officer (CFO) Marty “Spikedog” Spikowksi. “We bring in a new DJ every week to drop some new tunes, but we like to mix it up with employee-curated DJ sets as well. This week was Janet from Accounting’s turn. I never knew she could throw down such a dirty set like that.”

“The Zucc [Mark Zuckerberg] usually listens to all kind of stuff. Honestly, I picked him out to be a more deep-house kind of guy, but when it was his turn he tore the roof off Menlo with some vicious hardstyle. That KONG KONG KONG KONG stuff bro,  dude has some serious pent up aggression,” said Marty of his memories of the early days of Freaky Facebook Fridays. “That was easily the best show all October 2015.”

 

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