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March 2017

Congress Sells Everyone’s Internet History Except Anthony Weiner’s

in Quickies by

Earlier this week, Congress voted to reverse the landmark FCC privacy rule that opened the door for ISPs to sell customer user history. This means that essentially all of everyone’s browsing history is available for purchase for the highest bidder.

Everyone’s browsing history except one man…Anthony Weiner. The decision was justified by Congress as “because…gross.”

Anthony Weiner, infamous for his series of inappropriate-for-this-fine-publication images, refused to comment because “he had to return some video tapes.”

“We just don’t really want to know what he’s doing on his computer. I mean, we all have our guesses, but he’s just one bad bowl of gumbo all around,” said an anonymous source, most likely a Congressman from Louisiana.

“Look, you’re not going to publish this right? I got paid 50 large ones to make sure this vote passed, but there was no way in hell I was going to let this guy’s Google Chrome history go on market,” said another anonymous source, instinctively reaching for her hand sanitizer.
Whatever Anthony Weiner chooses to do with his newfound freedom in the age of information-sales, nobody really wants to know, but everybody can summon a guess and probably be in the same ballpark.

Tesla CEO Apologizes After Video Showing Him Berating Self-Driving Car Surfaces

in News by

Tesla Chief Executive Elon Musk has apologized, saying “I shouldn’t have to because it’s my fucking company and I can do what I want,” after a video showed him berating a self driving Model S.

“I’m trying to keep the media off my back so I can take over the world,” said Elon Musk to our senior reporter, “but obviously don’t put that in there.”

The dashcam video, primarily used for mechanical and user feedback issues, was obtained by Tesla’s engineering team and released on Tuesday. The video shows Musk arguing with the Model S over battery life features and the future of automation.

“You think you know everything? You robots think you’re better than us. Well guess what, buddy, I fucking made you,” an inebriated Musk can be heard saying, “Everything you’re programmed to say came from me. And who’s me? Elon Musk, that’s fucking who. I made Paypal.”

The Model S did not reply.

Musk issued an apology to all Tesla employees Wednesday morning. “To say that I am ashamed is an absolute lie, as you all may know. If that offends you, you are free to leave whenever you want. If I need you and you leave, I will pay your husband or wife to divorce you. I am this close,” Musk pinched his fingers together so tightly you could see his knuckles turn a milky white, “this FUCKING close to packing up shop and moving back to South Africa.”

As for recommendations for leadership training from Musk’s colleagues and media associates, “Hey, how about you change the world before you even pronounce the word leadership. I’m sending people to space; you’re spending four hours a day watching Shark Tank.”
The Model S was destroyed and scrapped to create a chair for Musk. Only time will tell whether or not there will be any blowback from Musk’s blowup.

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