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April 2017

Mark Zuckerberg Spotted in Burglar Costume Outside Snapchat HQ

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Hours before Facebook’s F8 Conference, sources say Mark Zuckerberg was spotted outside the headquarters of Snapchat with a loaded burlap sack.

Tony Romero noticed a man in a striped shirt carrying a burlap sack around the Snapchat headquarters. “First I thought it was just another one of those skater kids, but he didn’t have a skateboard on him. He had a sack. It looked full. I don’t know with what but there was definitely something in there,” Romero said while inapproriately motioning a sack of some sorts, “I noticed he looked a lot like that Facebook guy. It was definitely Zuckerberg.”

The encounter developed as follows:

Romero: “Yo Zuck!! What are you doing, man?”

To which a startled Zuckerberg replied:  “I’m giving them the FUCKING ZUCK!!!'”

Police were notified but were not able to make it to the scene of the crime. Several thefts of algorithms and ideas were reported in the Venice Beach area, but there is no evidence to link Zuckerberg or Facebook to any crimes.

Paul Ratliff, the cigar toting detective assigned to the Venice Beach, first noted a pattern a few months ago. “We don’t have any evidence linking Zuckerberg to the case,  but we’re working hard to nail this bastard. Whoever he is.”


Dr. Pepper Puts “Dr. Pepper Spray” Commercial on Hold

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After Pepsi’s recent commercial fiasco involving a certain member from the cast of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, spokespeople from Dr. Pepper claimed they will hold out on their new commercial until “the waters quiet down.”

The commercial is action-packed, featuring a member of an unnamed police department utilizing a can of Dr. Pepper as a pepper spray replacement. Instead of being doused in flaming hot pepper spray, protesters are overjoyed that they have actually indeed been sprayed with the sugary corn syrup that is Dr. Pepper.

“This is mein baby,” said commercial director Von Heim, “I know this magnificent country of yours has been through some tough times, and zis gives us an opportunity to really bridge, and how you say, mend ze fences, in American society.”

The final rendition played on the projector screen as a single tear welled up in Von Heim’s eye.

The commercial, initially scheduled for April, can be expected to play in June.



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