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July 2017

Jeff Bezos Vows to Spend Majority of Net Worth Shining Head

in News by

Earlier today, Jeff Bezos had a brief stint as the richest person alive, surpassing Bill Gates to hold the number one spot.

Within moments of the news breaking, Bezos announced his plan to spend the majority of his net worth shining his trademark bald head.

Bezos penned his message in a letter to shareholders and the general public.

“Hey Jeff, congrats on being the richest person in the world. Can I have some money? – @YourBoyMikeyP92″

This is the tweet that ultimately changed my gaze from philanthropy towards something more meaningful. In order to avoid the fickle throes of fortune, I have decided to fully commit the majority of my net-worth towards shining my head.

Every piece of news I’ve read today has mentioned two things: 1. My net worth, 2. My bald head. No best wishes or concerns for my well-being. Well, world, get ready for more of this bald ass head. Fuck you.”

 

Evan Spiegel Assures Investors Hot Dog Learning New Dance Moves

in Social by

Venice, Los Angeles, California

In a heartfelt email blasted off to several of Snapchat’s largest investors, a semblance of a corporate strategy was revealed.

Evan Spiegel, the 27-year-old CEO of Snap Inc. promised all stakeholders that the dancing hotdog is learning new dance moves.

The Venture Crunch team was hot on the scene with an exclusive one on one interview with Evan “the fucking man” Spiegel himself.

“I think Wall Street has severely undervalued the potential of creating a meme. Within hours of releasing the dancing hot dog, dozens of high-profile influencer accounts on other social media networks started posting memes of it. We’re taking a lot of the big players like Instagram, and Facebook. If I’m the Zucks, right about now, I’d be filling my diaper. We’ve got your users talking about US on YOUR platform, my man. Check and mate.”

Spiegel took a moment for reflection by spinning around a few times in his office chair and tossing a miniature football up and down.

“And you know what? Who needs Wall Street? Like, hey investors, I’m sorry but sack up for once in your life. We’ve got more dance moves on the way, so just be patient. What do you guys think, that we have no idea what we’re doing? Our users LOVE us. You can bet your ass that the Facebook team is trying to come up with a dancing hot dog right now, but you know what? We’re ahead of the game. Check and mate. And you know what, you guys better refer to me as the fucking man or you can’t publish this. Now get out of here, you’re stressing me out.”

Spiegel refused to make any further comments, but his assistant assured us that “everything is totally cool, just wait.”

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