San Francisco, California
Coinciding with the company’s most important outing of the year, Apple has announced the release of the “Find My Headphones” app. As impressive as the presentation for the iPhone 7 and 7+ was, many were left with a bad taste for Apple’s decision to obsolete the headphone jack and introduce their wireless headphones, the AirPods. These small headphones allow users to stream music, talk to friends, or for those without friends, talk to Siri.
Apple is known for tackling some of the largest problems in consumer facing tech, but now they are tasked with the biggest problem yet: making wireless headphones cool. AirPods are expected to transform the headphone world the same way vaping transformed the tobacco world.
The first obstacle to overcome is the consumer’s fear of losing these expensive cotton swabs. “We don’t actually expect people to never lose them. That would be ludicrous,” Tim Cook announced, “Our primary strategy was to price them so high that people wouldn’t dare lose them just because they’re so expensive.” With a price tag of $159, these headphones will be worth multiples more than the music users are streaming that they didn’t pay for.
In development is Apple’s “Find My Headphones” app. It is expected to constantly be turned on and drain a high percentage of the user’s battery, and cannot be deleted from the iPhone 7.
Roger Doinfet, local man with large ear canals, fears for the safety of his cochlea. “I feel I would be one rapid head turn from losing them in my ears.”
Doug Stevens, local patriot, fears the wireless component makes us vulnerable to hackers. “The last thing we need is them damn Koreans blasting K-Pop and Gangnam Style whenever they damn well please. It’s bad enough Apple stuck us with that U2 album with the cover of two shirtless dudes hugging. What was up with that by the way?”
Only time will tell if these high tech q-tips will be a market success, but there is one thing for certain. They will be lost many times over.