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Man Retweets Last Year’s New Year’s Resolutions

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The holiday season spanning late November to January 1st is marked with hedonism and gluttony hidden under the guise of family time and holiday cheer. In the tail end of the holiday season, streaks of promises for self-improvement break through the muck in preparation for the new year.

As is common sense, the slate is wiped clean when the date changes a digit. One man from Austin, Texas decided to go against the grain in an unorthodox form of planning by reusing last year’s resolutions. Howard Dewey, 29, decided that going the extra mile for 2017 was just not worth it by risking double public humiliation when he re-tweeted his 2016 resolutions.

“I already put a lot of thought into 2016’s New Year’s resolution, I don’t see a reason to do that all over again,” Dewey said of his brilliant strategy of avoiding duplicate effort. “I never really got a chance to do most of the things on that list, so I guess I might as well try next year.”

Dewey commented on his progress in 2016 while briefly skimming his list, written as an iMessage to himself:

“Call family more… I called my grandma once in January but she never called me back so I guess that counts.

Act on the urge to talk to attractive women… I got back with my ex-girlfriend in February and she’s kind of…yeah.

Do yoga…yea right.

Save 20% of my annual income…let’s just stop here.”

The list continued with a dozen unaccomplished resolutions.

“This year is going to be different for a couple reasons. I tweeted it out to my 560 followers so I’ll look dumb if I fail. I’m turning 30 in November and there’s no way I want to carry my poor habits over into 30. I hopped into a $100 pool with my coworkers to see who keeps them the longest. It’s a $15 buy-in, if you’re interested.”
Best of luck to you, Howard Dewey. We wish you a Happy New Year from all of us from The Venture Crunch.

Mark Zuckerberg Misplaces Facebook News Feed Algorithm

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Facebook Headquarters were all but tranquil following the news of Mark Zuckerberg misplacing the Facebook algorithm. Among the squabbling of employees could be heard a resounding “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” that echoed through the building of 1 Hacker Way in Menlo Park. Our encounter was as follows:

As our reporter was taking notes on his sketchpad, a frantic Zuckerberg darted towards him. With a quick swipe, Zuckerberg snatched the reporter’s sketchpad and said, “Not it!” He continued to mumble “Not it, not it, not it!” as he paced around the vicinity, tearing through a nearby employee’s cubicle.

After a few minutes, Zuckerberg seemed to gain some composure. He wiped the sweat from his brow on our reporter’s sweater. “I’m looking for something just like this,” Zuckerberg said as he rifled through the reporter’s sketchpad, “except it was in blue folder and was labeled ALGORITHM.”

Our reporter shook his head. Zuckerberg stormed off back into his office and out came the sound of a metal filing cabinet clanging against the ground.

“He said he just took it out of the vault to look at it for a second. He went out for lunch and when he got back he said it was missing.” said a Facebook employee, who preferred anonymity.

The sketchpad with the algorithm has since been located in what everyone in the tech world is calling a gross oversight and very close call. This has opened the door to a flood of questions from tech journalists regarding the security of Facebook’s proprietary information.

“You’d think they’d have it on a computer or something. Or at least have a copy of it somewhere in case it gets lost. I don’t want to kick a guy when he’s down, but come on Zuck!” said TechScene journalist Kelly Gonzaga. “Those guys at Google made one of their employees swallow a USB with their algorithm and they don’t let him leave the headquarters ever. Zuck could learn a thing or two.”

“I’m Scared to Go Outside” Says Area Man Usually Scared to Go Outside

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San Francisco, California

David Bluke spoke of his post-election blues Monday afternoon at approximately 3:04 PM PS with a long, articulate Facebook status. It read:

My mouth is absolutely agape following the election of president elect he-who-will-not-be-named. I am shocked to learn that I am living in a country full of racists, rapists, misogynists, and unwelcome gynecologists. We shouldn’t have borders in the first place, and now I’m forced to share borders with these xenophobic, and overall disgusting, dirty deplorable people.

Bluke, a straight white male, is an avid social activist. He claims to spend the majority of his day watching “reliable news networks such as CNN” and has developed a significant following on Twitter.

I am fearful for people of color, women, and myself. It is not safe anymore, America. I’m sorry this has happened to you and I wish I could help. I’m scared to go outside, and you should be too.

When Venture Crunch reporters asked how this has tangibly changed his daily routine, it was made clear that not much has changed. Several of Bluke’s friends describe him as a hermit who only really leaves his home when it is absolutely necessary.

Crystal, Bluke’s girlfriend of six years prior to their break up last month, said “Dave’s a really sweet guy, he really is. He’s just so passionate. When I told him I wasn’t voting for Hillary, I think that really hurt him. He told me he felt disgusted with himself that he influenced me with his white male patriarchy and we split.”

Sandra Bluke, David sister, commented, “He’s a very special guy. He just cares so much and I think it really gets to him. He’s never really been one to go outside. He never really played with other kids in the neighborhood. He can be a bit over the top sometimes, but that’s just his personality.”

Bluke’s powerful, moving sentiments garnered 114 likes from like-minded compatriots, and several “sad” reactions.

WikiLeaks Releases Hillary Clinton’s “Sexytime” Spotify Playlist

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Hillary Wikileaks Sexygate

News broke earlier this morning for yet another WikiLeaks release of information that is detrimental to Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. Early Tuesday morning, WikiLeaks released a Spotify Playlist called Sexytime that is believed to be curated by Hillary Clinton.

The playlist included classics like Elvis Presley’s Burning Love, Etta James’s I Just Want To Make Love to You, and Rod Stewart’s Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” as well as more contemporary jams like Beyoncé’s All Night, Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love, and the Weeknd’s Wicked Games.

Multiple sources within the Clinton campaign administration have fervently denied Hillary Clinton’s involvement with said “Sexytime” playlist.

Donald Trump wasted no time in condemning Hillary’s music choices at his rally in Green Bay. “She’s a monster. The liberal media doesn’t want you to hear about this. If we’re on the subject of role models, do you really want your kids looking up to a President that listens to Rod Stewart? The man is a degenerate.”

This critical leak of information could play out to be a game changer. “The pure knowledge that millions of people know what you’ve been listening to during your intimate times has got to be unnerving at a deep level,” commented emotional psychologist Jonathan Buckley. The election may depend on whether or not Hillary will be able to steer the Presidential Debates on Wednesday’s away from this direction.

“As soon as people start judging her music choices on stage, she could be in deep trouble. It’s flustering and there’s no real relevant counterpoint that can be made. You try talking about immigration when the question at hand is Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. It’s the perfect political quicksand. I’m sure we can expect Trump to pull the Sexygate card in the closing minutes,” said political expert Judd Pinker.

When confronted by reporters about Wikileaks, husband Bill Clinton gave a double thumbs up before being escorted away by Hillary’s campaign manager.
The White House has yet to make a comment on Sexygate.

Pitbull Cancels Montreal Concert Out of Fear for His Safety

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Due to the new bylaw passed by Montreal authorities to euthanize hundreds of pit bulls around the city, Pitbull, the rapper by the same name, has claimed that he fears for his life. The Miami rapper has chosen to cancel his upcoming show in Montreal for that exact reason. “I’ll tell you what man, those Canadienses are not putting their maple syrupy hands on me. No shot. No way. Dale.”

The bylaw defines pit bulls as American pit bull terriers, Staffordshire bull terriers, American Staffordshire terriers, any mix of these breeds, or any dog that has characteristics of any of these breeds. The law essentially bans any dog with a large head, a prominent jaw, and short to no hair, making rapper Pitbull exceptionally vulnerable to the law. “I don’t care what they say, man. I don’t care if they have a warrant, I’m not going in to meet with nobody. I don’t have to prove shit. I am not a dog. You hear me? Yo no soy perro.”

Owners of pit bulls have to go through a criminal background check and pay $150 for a special permit. Their dogs will also have to be sterilized, vaccinated, and microchipped. Owners of pit bulls will also have to muzzle their dogs and use a maximum 4-foot leash at all times in public. Government officials are also now legally allowed to kick any pit bull as hard as they want for good measure.
Montreal’s new vague and imprecise law will lead to the euthanization of hundreds of strays and pit bulls in shelters. The bylaw has quickly risen to a level of infamy and generated its fair amount of visceral reactions on social media networks. This is very impressive, given the current state of the United States Presidential Elections. Our digital media expert claims Montreal is part of a Canadian conspiracy to not lose its footing in timeline relevance and had to do something to please the almighty Facebook algorithm.

2016 Presidential Debate Hosted by WorldStarHipHop.com

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WASHINGTON DC

In an effort to appeal to Millennial voters, the organizers for the 2016 Presidential Debates have chosen to host the expectedly heated debates exclusively on WorldStarHipHop.com.

WorldStarHipHop, best known for its videos of people fighting, twerking videos, and the occasional rap video is judged to be the best platform to capture Millennial attention. The Millennial demographic has quickly turned into one of the most sought after demographics in the Presidential Race, and both candidates are willing to do whatever they can to win them over. “I love WorldStarHipHop!” said Hillary Clinton. The Donald Trump campaign refused to speak on the subject.

“Many Americans spend a minimum of four hours per day watching videos on either Facebook, Youtube, or other sites like WorldStarHipHop. It would be foolish to ignore these statistics and keep broadcasting the debates on TV. Most Millennials don’t even pay for cable anymore and to engage them you need to meet them where they are,” said digital media analyst Jeb Velichik, who continued on to say that hosting these debates on WorldStarHipHop would expose voters to a plethora of new opinions and content. “We encourage Americans to broaden their horizons and really get a feeling for what is out there on the Internet. The Internet is full of such species advancing content that often goes overlooked.”
The Millennial turnout rate in the upcoming election is going to be a critical component of the election. The World Star Hip Hop campaign to convert apathetic Millennial voters into eager and productive members of society is going to be the main strategy. “One of the best ways to reach your target audience is to meet them on their platform, and the platform for the majority of the 18-24 year old vote is on sites like World Star Hip Hop.” continued Velichik.

Tim Cook Sentenced to Stonehenge White Collar Prison

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Earlier this week, the European Union ruled that Apple must pay a tax bill to the tune of $14.5 billion in back tax payments. Our political correspondent was on the scene.

France joined Germany on Thursday to back Brussels as the tensions across the pond continued to grow. “You know things are getting pretty serious if France and Germany get along on anything.” The United States sided with Apple and accused the European Union for trying to take tax revenue that should go to the U.S. government.

Ireland, however, was initially hesitant to pursue the tax demands as the low tax regime has attracted many talented persons and created jobs. It was until Ireland heard about the numerical value of how much Apple owed that they decided to sentence Tim Cook to white collar prison in Stonehenge for tax evasion. We assume the conversation to have occurred as follows:

EU: “Ireland, we just want to run this by you because we know you’ve got quite a stake in the situation. We haven’t always been the most fair with you, but we must band together against the American juggernaut.”

Ireland: “I don’t know, guys. I don’t want to risk thousands of jobs just for a couple million dollars. Apple has been pretty good to us.”

EU: “Billions, actually.”

Ireland: “…”

EU: “$14.5 billion to be exact.”

Ireland: “Hang them from the gallows.”

Apple’s Chief Executive Tim Cook described the ruling as “total political crap” which is a significantly toned down version of what his predecessor Steve Jobs would have likely described as “Absolute fucking bullshit. Fuck them.”

Ireland has plans to repurpose the mysterious grounds of Stonehenge into a high security facility for Tim Cook as a symbolic gesture towards tax evaders across the world. Only time will tell whether or not the United States will send Tim Cook over to settle the issue.

Marijuana Startup “Totally Forgot” It Had Meeting Today

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DENVER, COLORADO 11:45AM

Rummaging around the floor of his bedroom in search of a clean pair of pants, Chief Operating Officer and co-founder at Weedr Geoff Buchanan reportedly told his colleagues he “just, totally blanked on the meeting, haha,” referring to the marijuana-based startup’s daily standup.

Despite the extreme regularity of the meeting, namely every morning since the inception of the company, Buchanan says, “sometimes it slips, ya know? The team will understand.”

The Weedr team began the weekly scheduled meeting 45 minutes late and without Buchanan, as this was, said CEO Timothy Rodriguez, “the third time this month. But it’s not, like, a huge deal.” Items on the agenda included the addition of leaf-patterned socks to the Weedr swag offerings, deciding on lunch, and determining whether anyone had watched the new Bojack Horseman season yet because it’s “dank AF.”

Several of Buchanan’s former colleagues were reached out to for comment on his tardiness, nearly all reporting that it’s “pretty much how Goeff rolls,” while one anonymous source had only one thing to add: “Ahah suhh.”

Sparking a blunt in preparation for a brainstorming session on branding and social media outreach, the three present employees of Weedr report they have no expectations that Buchanan will arrive in time for any meaningful input but don’t mind because the culture at Weedr is mad chill.

Showing no apparent urgency or concern with his lateness, Buchanan was seen at time of press packing one last bowl before heading to the office.

Pokemon Go Chronicles – Voltorb Knows It Won’t Be Used for Good

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SYRIA

The sudden and meteoric rise of Pokemon Go has had its downsides as well. From a teen discovering a body in Wyoming to traffic accidents across the country, the most dangerous event is the capturing of a Voltorb by the Islamic State. Voltorb is an Electric Pokemon notorious for its self-imploding powers. Aerial drone surveillance footage showed that a member of the Islamic State within the ages of 19-32 caught a Voltorb after using 4 Pokeballs. “I honestly don’t know what they could possibly use a Voltorb for except something very, very bad.” commented drone pilot Scott Dilbirck. “It’s the type of Pokemon you don’t want in the hands of bad guys.”

Local gyms have been placed on high alert. We will keep you updated as this is a developing story.

Hillary Clinton Invests in an Email Deleting Startup: Inbox Zero

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WASHINGTON D.C.

Sources have confirmed that one of Mrs. Clinton’s first angel investments is in Washington D.C. startup, Inbox Zero. The company has recently started to gain traction across the world across a small base of bureaucrats, politicians, C-suite executives, and people who are just too busy.

“Honestly, I got the idea when I would sometimes log into my Yahoo or Gmail and see 10,000+ emails,” said IZ founder Jamie Faux, “I had to check the little box that highlighted 25 of them and press delete. It was going to take forever, so then I thought that I might be onto something.” Inbox Zero is a platform that outsources the brutal manual labor of clicking that checkbox hundreds, or even thousands of times, for a monthly fixed price of $129.

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