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LinkedIn Launches New Fetish Dating App: KinkedIn

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Los Angeles, California

In what most are calling an interesting expansion into an incredibly niche market, the primarily professional networking platform threw its (leather) gloves into the dating app world.

“While we still want to maintain a professional image, we want to give some of our users the opportunity to express themselves and potentially find love in the form of hot wax and leather,” said LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner in a press conference early Monday morning.

KinkedIn had been in a private beta for the majority of 2017. “We had a few…kinks we had to work out,” noted KinkedIn’s incredibly fucking weird Chief Product Officer who goes by Hans.

Users are able to connect with other people they think would be a good match, similar to the LinkedIn connection interface. Additional to the messaging functionality, users are able to endorse each other for certain skills, most of which we are not sure of what they mean nor do we wish to investigate further.

“It almost seems as if they flipped the entire LinkedIn functionality into a mobile dating app. I’m interested to see how this plays out. At first, I couldn’t help but question the move. I mean, an app for fetishes. Really? But then I realized, the fetish community is really tight knit.Not that I would know or anything. This has the potential to go viral just based purely on word of mouth,” noted Clark Dixon, who had access to the private beta.

 

 

Incestry.com Tells Users If They Have Any Incest in Their Background

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TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA –

 Incestry.com offers the user information on whether they are either directly or peripherally related to any incest. “We came up with the idea when we found out my buddy Trevor’s great-grandparents had the same last name before they got married. It didn’t take us more than two minutes to figure out they were actually second cousins,”  said founder Bernard Landry with a smirk. “He don’t really like us telling people about it, but he’s not even really that messed up in the head. He’ll get over it.”

Incest is a sensitive matter for most, and the team has pivoted based on initial user feedback. “We thought it would be a light way to break the news by having a pop-up come up and say ‘You’ve got Incest!’ like the AOL thing back in the day, but people weren’t taking too kindly to that.” said Landry, adding that they are now outsourcing personal phone calls to “a really good company out in India or somewhere.”

Initially as a play to enter the genealogy market, Landry stated that the majority of revenue has been in selling the quantitative analytics to brands such as Coors Light, Jack Link’s Beef Jerky, and shirts that say Hold My Beer. “What they do with the information ain’t really our concern, but we have our best guesses.” It doesn’t take a genius to see a correlation between their increase in marketing expenditures and where Incestry.com results showed the highest frequency of incest.

In an attempt to create a viral marketing campaign, users now have the option to share, tweet, or even do a live feed of themselves receiving the results. The developers of the site told reporters Monday that their proprietary algorithm promises an accuracy rate of 90%. The site currently has a 150,000 registered users.

 

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