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Evan Spiegel Assures Investors Hot Dog Learning New Dance Moves

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Venice, Los Angeles, California

In a heartfelt email blasted off to several of Snapchat’s largest investors, a semblance of a corporate strategy was revealed.

Evan Spiegel, the 27-year-old CEO of Snap Inc. promised all stakeholders that the dancing hotdog is learning new dance moves.

The Venture Crunch team was hot on the scene with an exclusive one on one interview with Evan “the fucking man” Spiegel himself.

“I think Wall Street has severely undervalued the potential of creating a meme. Within hours of releasing the dancing hot dog, dozens of high-profile influencer accounts on other social media networks started posting memes of it. We’re taking a lot of the big players like Instagram, and Facebook. If I’m the Zucks, right about now, I’d be filling my diaper. We’ve got your users talking about US on YOUR platform, my man. Check and mate.”

Spiegel took a moment for reflection by spinning around a few times in his office chair and tossing a miniature football up and down.

“And you know what? Who needs Wall Street? Like, hey investors, I’m sorry but sack up for once in your life. We’ve got more dance moves on the way, so just be patient. What do you guys think, that we have no idea what we’re doing? Our users LOVE us. You can bet your ass that the Facebook team is trying to come up with a dancing hot dog right now, but you know what? We’re ahead of the game. Check and mate. And you know what, you guys better refer to me as the fucking man or you can’t publish this. Now get out of here, you’re stressing me out.”

Spiegel refused to make any further comments, but his assistant assured us that “everything is totally cool, just wait.”

Girl Awarded Pulitzer for Her October 3rd Mean Girls Status

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It was just another Monday for 20 year old McKenzie Cline until she realized it was October 3rd. She immediately took to her iPhone 6s plus to notify the world of the Mean Girls reference with what judges called “the perfect picture to go along with her status.”

The Pulitzer Prize is a prestigious award for achievements in newspaper, musical composition, magazine and online journalism. In an attempt to increase the award’s popularity among the Millennial generation, the organizers have decided to extend the online journalism to Facebook and Twitter.

Milana Dawson, a historian specializing in popular films from the 2000s, commended McKenzie’s work as one of the finer allusions to the iconic film Mean Girls. “Every year, you will see shoddy attempts of creating the perfect Mean Girls status. Ms. Cline’s piece is reminiscent of a Mean Girls status in 2009, but the inclusion of a picture really set her apart.” Although similar to the 2009 status, Cline’s status was different and unique enough to put her miles ahead of all other statuses. Pablo Picasso’s words ring loud and clear; good artists borrow, great artists steal.

David Schulz, a former director for the Pulitzer Prize committee, hailed Ms. Cline’s work as absolutely groundbreaking. “It is a breath of fresh air to see such intellectual pieces of literature coming out of this new generation. Work such as McKenzie Cline’s not only brings back fond memories of the 2004 movie, but also reminds us what day it is today.” For those people who thought today was October 2nd or October 4th, please make any adjustments on your paperwork and emails or risk sounding like a complete buffoon.

We reached out to McKenzie for a statement. “This is just so surreal. I LOVE Lily Pulitzer! Seriously. Love you. Mean it.”

McKenzie, a Junior at the University of South Florida, now has another item to add to her resume right below her involvement in Student Government.

Facebook Memories a Harrowing Reminder of Who Man Once Was

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Wilmington, North Carolina

It was just another ordinary day for 24 year old Wilmington native Benjamin Rushty, until he got a notification pertaining to his Facebook memories. Hundreds of thousands of Facebook users are plagued by the On This Day reminder. It seems innocent enough, but for most it is a dark reminiscence of a past almost forgotten. The Venture Crunch was on the scene to investigate.

The notification starts off by luring users to click it by name-dropping a few of their closest friends, some of whom users have not spoken to in years. Rushty compares the feeling of seeing this notification to the gut lurching feeling of falling. “I didn’t think the course of my day could change so drastically by a little red notification” The user is lead to a list of memories in chronological order. The further you scroll, the deeper in the memory cave you end up. Many don’t get a chance to see the light to find their way out of the Facebook Memories abyss.

“You can’t really win. It’s either showing you how good you used to look when you were younger, or that you posted weird updates on your unimpressive life,” says Angela Rushty as she consoled her brother, “Even worse is if nothing pops up at all. It really makes you think, where does the time go? Why are we here? What are we for?”

Rushty handed us his phone to check the notification with empty glaze over his eyes. It started innocent enough with a few new friendships, but things took a turn for the worse around the 2010 mark. “This was when Ben was in high school. He was a late bloomer,” said Angela.

A late bloomer he was, as each scroll downward was harder to chew than the last. The punctuation and lack of grammar was the first telltale sign of a man with no compass. His statuses were just awful, most of them with no likes at all. Among the low quality images of Rushty and his pre-pubescent posse was the occasional video that no longer worked.  It was until we got to the 2008 notifications that we had to put the phone down.

On our way out of the gloomy scene, we passed by Rushty’s room to give him our support. The immovable Rushty was staring into his mirror repeating to himself, “You are not your On This Day notification. You are not your On This Day notification. You Are not your On This Day notification.”

Freelancer Keeps Strict Work/Sleep Separation in Bed

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St. LOUIS, MISSOURI

Upon walking into the office/bedroom of 26 year old freelancer Morris Balmhorn, one can see a disciplined attempt at creating a balance between work and life. Morris, a Journalism Graduate from the University of Missouri prides himself in running a tight ship when it comes to his solopreneur business endeavors and the time he keeps for himself.

The working portion of the queen sized bed is equipped with a state of the art ergonomic back pillow with arm rests for the user to comfortably rest their elbows, as their laptop slowly overheats their crotch. The sleeping portion, however, is “streamlined for peace of mind” with all the sleeping essentials such as two pillows and a comforter.  “I guess you could call me a digital nomad, but I don’t really go anywhere. Or see anyone,” said Morris “It’s just more productive and less expensive for me too just stay at home.”

Although Morris claims the isolation from general society has been advantageous to his general productivity, there was something perturbed about the fellow. “I used to have lots of friends I would see every single day,” commented Morris, “HAHAH but I don’t really see them anymore. It’s fine, really.”

For fun, Morris enjoys the occasional Tim Ferriss podcast or if he is feeling “rowdy” he’ll watch a couple Gary Vaynerchuk Youtube videos. “Nothing fires me up more than some Gary Vee in 1080p, you know what I mean?” Morris said while extending an open palm for a high five only to grip onto our journalist’s hand for a period of six seconds. It was then that Morris interjected with another shrieked “HAHA” before putting his hands in his pockets.

We reached out to the friend we found in Morris’s Facebook profile picture (dated May 2009) for a comment. “Balmhorn?! I thought he was dead! No, seriously. All of our friends thought he was dead. How’s he been?”

Morris also has a pull-up bar built into the frame of his door.

Instagram Reveals Plans for “Top 8” Feature

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Instagram’s release of the “Stories” feature last week was met with backlash from critics and users worldwide. The company, however, continues to hold its position despite user loyalties to Snapchat. Our sources confirmed that Instagram will be launching a “Top 8” sort of feature reminiscent of MySpace. We sent our journalist to their headquarters to further explore.

Instagram’s “Best 8” is going to categorize a user-curated list of followers that user’s deem to be their best friends. The Elite Eight are going to appear publicly on their profile to show visitors who the user is close with, but also to allow users to keep associates from getting too chummy on their pictures. In perspective, Facebook invented the newsfeed, which was then copied by Linkedin, Twitter, and Instagram. Instagram invented filters, which were then copied by Snapchat. Myspace invented hierarchical friendship, and it is only natural the idea start making its rounds in the startup world as well.

“We spent $14 million dollars on the new Crema, Perpetua, and Ludwig filters and no one really cared.” commented our source, whom we shall call Kristof. “Snapchat puts out one dog filter and their company jumps up a couple billion.” Although the financial repercussions of Instagram’s “Stories” feature are not clear yet, they are sure to increase friction in the market for attention with Snapchat. Once our reporter asked if this had anything to do with Snapchat turning down Facebook’s previous acquisition offer, the atmosphere started to get tense.

“We really have our hands tied here.” said Kristof as he turned up the volume on his Macbook. Suddenly the room filled with Bon Iver’s Holocene. “These orders came from high up. Really high up.” Kristof then scribbled on a piece of paper on his desk and slid it over to our reporter. It’s Zuckerberg. Help me, they have my family.

It was at this point that two men with shaven heads and suits entered the office and escorted our journalist outside of the premises.

Detox Tea Market in Shambles After Instagram Crashes for a Few Hours

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LOS ANGELES

The scene outside the headquarters of Skin-E-Tea is one of laid off employees carrying their belongings in boxes, tears, and a fire sale on Skin-E-Tea’s best-selling detox tea. The inside of the office is a disarray of empty cubicles and tea leaves. Prior to being escorted out of the office by a weeping security guard, we got a chance to see a makeshift war room for a sales unit.“SELL! I DON’T CARE FOR HOW MUCH. JUST DO IT!” we overheard Senior Vice President Brody Patterson give the final orders to the remains of his team, “WHO THE FUCK LET REPORTERS IN HERE!?” Skin-E-Tea is one of the first Instagram detox tea companies to declare bankruptcy in the wake of the temporary Instagram crash.

It’s difficult to scroll through an Instagram feed without coming across an extremely good looking person praising a detox tea for their toned stomach and chippy attitude. The celebrity and Instagram model endorsed diet teas have seen a massive plummet in sales in the past 36 hours due to an Instagram crash that left thousands of users unable to log into users on Monday.

A group of Instagram models and fitness bloggers have gathered in solidarity to start a GoFundMe campaign for those that are now out of work due to the Instagram crash. “I can’t believe I gave up modeling in New York to work here…just to wake up and not have my job anymore,” said Jessica Maddox, an Instagram user with a following of over 2 million. “My severance pay is a year supply of Skin-E-Tea. What am I supposed to do with Skin-E-Tea? I’m 90 pounds I can’t keep doing this.”

As of Tuesday at 3:00PM, sales for Skin-E-Tea have dropped 95%. The market for detox tea is down an average of 86%.

Social Media Manager’s Resume Just Memes

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NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK

Angela Chalmer, 28, has recently started exploring new opportunities in the social media curation and management field. “I have spent hours of hard work scouring the Internet for trending and popular memes.” Angela told reporters this Wednesday. “Throwing in a crying Michael Jordan face or the occasional dat boy A. helps to humanize your company and B. connect with the largest active online community.” The confidence Angela exudes is second to none. “I’ve honestly got the dankest memes and most startups are seriously lacking in their meme departments. My last startup was using Bad Luck Brian posts before I got there!”

Interested employers can contact Angela exclusively through her DM on Instagram, @LiveLoveChalmer.

World Expects Prolonged Period of Peace after Man Tweets “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!”

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CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA

Area man Lyle Davies, better known to his 361 followers on Twitter as @LyleDavies44, tweeted “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!” on the morning of July 8th at around 10:27 AM. The tweet received three favorites and one retweet. In a joint press conference, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin expressed their united relief in the anticipated prolonged period of peace. A teary eyed Barack Obama stated, “The day has finally come. With the support and tweets of individuals such as Lyle Davies, we can finally experience prolonged peace for the first time in the history of humans.”

Today was not only a huge step forward for mankind, but a large leap for the @LyleDavies44 Twitter account, as it grew from 361 followers to 368 followers as of July 8th at 6:43PM. The tweet was preceded by a “Fuck Kevin Durant bro, NBA is not even gonna be fun to watch anymore” on July 5th. Kevin Durant’s contract with the Golden State Warriors has since been terminated and Kevin Durant has been placed under house arrest in Chesapeake Energy Arena in Oklahoma City.

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