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Welcome to The Venture Crunch tech news archives. This ain't your grand pappy's tech. This is real, 100% USDA Grade A tech we're talking here.

Elon Musk Unveils Solar Panel Skin

in Tech News by
Elon Musk

In what the Tesla is calling “The ultimate solution to the world’s race and energy problems,” Elon Musk announced the release of Solar Panel Skin.

The grey skinsuit works the same way all solar panels do, but essentially gives human beings the ability to conduct photosynthesis. “We want to give human beings the power to create energy, rather than be constantly using it. We let our imaginations run wild. Solar Panel Skin people can utilize their generated energy to power their homes, their cars, or even their bodies and eliminate the need for food, but we know that most people will probably just use it to charge their phones,” said Chief Engineer behind Solar Panel Skin Mischa Gopnikov.

Not only will the grey scaled skin suit create energy, it is believed to quell racial tensions. “When coming up with the sleek grey color scheme for the skin cells, we blurred all major ethnicities together and got this cool, slimy grey complexion,” said Chief Designer Elliott Senzaki. In the vision Tesla has for the future, human beings themselves will be integrated with the power grid to utilize the sun to its full potential. Tesla’s humans will be able to go for a walk and produce enough charge to power a household for 24 hours, or run a Macbook Pro with 12 tabs open on Google Chrome for 30 minutes.

The mechanics behind the Solar Panel Skin is marvelous in its own right. Through Tesla’s proprietary engineering, they have managed to fuse solar cells with active skin cells. It is assumed that Elon Musk himself came up with the idea after a brisk walk through his favorite greenhouse. Tesla engineers have kept the project under a veil of secrecy, but a few rumors state that several engineers were forced to mate with different types of plants.

Tesla has been working on these skin suits for a few years, and they are projected to be released in Spring 2017.  

Elon Musk Says Tesla Will Buy the Sun

in Tech News by
Elon Musk

Tesla CEO Elon Musk tweeted early Wednesday morning that he will soon make a bid to purchase the Sun, a statement that, while shocking to some, came as no surprise to many who have been watching the eccentric billionaire work to bring his plans to light.

elonTweet

“The man wants to save the world with solar,” alternative energy consultant Jeffrey Barnes told the Venture Crunch, “he’s got solar collectors, he’s got solar storage, he’s got solar cars: the obvious next step was the solar source.”

This announcement comes right on the tail of Musk’s announcement that Tesla would move to merge with solar energy company Solar City (of which Musk owns a large share), one of the largest installers of solar energy systems. Buying the sun will be the first of its kind for a solar company.

“The addition of the Sun the Tesla’s holdings will make our job that much easier,” a ranking official at Solar City, who desired to remain anonymous, said. “The biggest problem with solar is it doesn’t work at night, ya know? With full access to the Sun all day our output worries are over.”

While Musk declined to comment to the VC, Tesla put out a press release confirming the claim and expanding on the statement:

“Tesla mission is and will continue to be the advancement and development of alternative energy technology in pursuit of a more sustainable future. A deal will be reached on the merger with Solar City soon, but we never stop looking to the future. The addition of the Sun to the Tesla family is the next step in realizing our lofty goals.”

Elon Musk intends to inspect the Sun’s fusion reactor personally before negotiations begin early next month, and SpaceX has apparently been developing a rocket capable of bringing the CEO to the star for some time now.

Apple to Release “Find My Headphones” App

in Tech News by

San Francisco, California

Coinciding with the company’s most important outing of the year, Apple has announced the release of the “Find My Headphones” app. As impressive as the presentation for the iPhone 7 and 7+ was, many were left with a bad taste for Apple’s decision to obsolete the headphone jack and introduce their wireless headphones, the AirPods. These small headphones allow users to stream music, talk to friends, or for those without friends, talk to Siri.

Apple is known for tackling some of the largest problems in consumer facing tech, but now they are tasked with the biggest problem yet: making wireless headphones cool. AirPods are expected to transform the headphone world the same way vaping transformed the tobacco world.

The first obstacle to overcome is the consumer’s fear of losing these expensive cotton swabs. “We don’t actually expect people to never lose them. That would be ludicrous,” Tim Cook announced, “Our primary strategy was to price them so high that people wouldn’t dare lose them just because they’re so expensive.” With a price tag of $159, these headphones will be worth multiples more than the music users are streaming that they didn’t pay for.

In development is Apple’s “Find My Headphones” app. It is expected to constantly be turned on and drain a high percentage of the user’s battery, and cannot be deleted from the iPhone 7.

Roger Doinfet, local man with large ear canals, fears for the safety of his cochlea. “I feel I would be one rapid head turn from losing them in my ears.”

Doug Stevens, local patriot, fears the wireless component makes us vulnerable to hackers. “The last thing we need is them damn Koreans blasting K-Pop and Gangnam Style whenever they damn well please. It’s bad enough Apple stuck us with that U2 album with the cover of two shirtless dudes hugging. What was up with that by the way?”

Only time will tell if these high tech q-tips will be a market success, but there is one thing for certain. They will be lost many times over.

 

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