Here to #disrupt your Newsfeed.

Instagram Reveals Plans for “Top 8” Feature

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Instagram’s release of the “Stories” feature last week was met with backlash from critics and users worldwide. The company, however, continues to hold its position despite user loyalties to Snapchat. Our sources confirmed that Instagram will be launching a “Top 8” sort of feature reminiscent of MySpace. We sent our journalist to their headquarters to further explore.

Instagram’s “Best 8” is going to categorize a user-curated list of followers that user’s deem to be their best friends. The Elite Eight are going to appear publicly on their profile to show visitors who the user is close with, but also to allow users to keep associates from getting too chummy on their pictures. In perspective, Facebook invented the newsfeed, which was then copied by Linkedin, Twitter, and Instagram. Instagram invented filters, which were then copied by Snapchat. Myspace invented hierarchical friendship, and it is only natural the idea start making its rounds in the startup world as well.

“We spent $14 million dollars on the new Crema, Perpetua, and Ludwig filters and no one really cared.” commented our source, whom we shall call Kristof. “Snapchat puts out one dog filter and their company jumps up a couple billion.” Although the financial repercussions of Instagram’s “Stories” feature are not clear yet, they are sure to increase friction in the market for attention with Snapchat. Once our reporter asked if this had anything to do with Snapchat turning down Facebook’s previous acquisition offer, the atmosphere started to get tense.

“We really have our hands tied here.” said Kristof as he turned up the volume on his Macbook. Suddenly the room filled with Bon Iver’s Holocene. “These orders came from high up. Really high up.” Kristof then scribbled on a piece of paper on his desk and slid it over to our reporter. It’s Zuckerberg. Help me, they have my family.

It was at this point that two men with shaven heads and suits entered the office and escorted our journalist outside of the premises.

Virtual Reality App Lets You Pretend You’re Eating Healthy

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DANIA BEACH, FLORIDA

CalorieZ is a virtual reality app that helps the user envision components of their meal substituted with a variety of healthier food options ranging from kale salads, lean chicken breast, tofu, and many more. “We want to create a world where you don’t really have to eat healthy to eat healthy,” commented Founder Orin Obst. “We had that ‘Aha!’ moment when we turned a Chalupa into a piece of celery.”

As far as any difficulties in developing the app, CPO Lenz Obst said “We still haven’t figured out how to make broccoli. We’ve got our best minds behind it. We keep making trees.” But this hasn’t stopped the massive interest, the app currently has a waiting list of over 15,000 eager customers and is thought to be one of a huge win for body positivity enthusiasts around the country.

For a monthly subscription fee of $39.50, CalorieZ premium organizes the user’s meals into an elegant and classy platter comparable to a five star healthy meal. It also allows users to take a snapshot of their meal and automatically post it to their social media accounts with hashtags such as: #everbodyisbeautiful #fitfam #EatClean #Paleo #Crossfit.

“Unbelievable… I just finished eating some Loaded Chili Cheese Fries from Checkers, but as far as my eyes are concerned I just had a handful of almonds and grapes!” said one clearly satisfied user by the name of Derrick Myers.

“Am I eating a Double Whopper, or apple slices and peanut butter? Haha! Obviously I know what I’m doing to my body but it’s nice to pretend.” said Stacy Fuller.

CalorieZ works on all VR headsets including the Oculus Rift, HTC Vive, and Google Cardboard. The brilliant minds behind CalorieZ are working on another virtual app that lets users see an athletic version of themselves in any mirror.

Marijuana Startup “Totally Forgot” It Had Meeting Today

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DENVER, COLORADO 11:45AM

Rummaging around the floor of his bedroom in search of a clean pair of pants, Chief Operating Officer and co-founder at Weedr Geoff Buchanan reportedly told his colleagues he “just, totally blanked on the meeting, haha,” referring to the marijuana-based startup’s daily standup.

Despite the extreme regularity of the meeting, namely every morning since the inception of the company, Buchanan says, “sometimes it slips, ya know? The team will understand.”

The Weedr team began the weekly scheduled meeting 45 minutes late and without Buchanan, as this was, said CEO Timothy Rodriguez, “the third time this month. But it’s not, like, a huge deal.” Items on the agenda included the addition of leaf-patterned socks to the Weedr swag offerings, deciding on lunch, and determining whether anyone had watched the new Bojack Horseman season yet because it’s “dank AF.”

Several of Buchanan’s former colleagues were reached out to for comment on his tardiness, nearly all reporting that it’s “pretty much how Goeff rolls,” while one anonymous source had only one thing to add: “Ahah suhh.”

Sparking a blunt in preparation for a brainstorming session on branding and social media outreach, the three present employees of Weedr report they have no expectations that Buchanan will arrive in time for any meaningful input but don’t mind because the culture at Weedr is mad chill.

Showing no apparent urgency or concern with his lateness, Buchanan was seen at time of press packing one last bowl before heading to the office.

Detox Tea Market in Shambles After Instagram Crashes for a Few Hours

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LOS ANGELES

The scene outside the headquarters of Skin-E-Tea is one of laid off employees carrying their belongings in boxes, tears, and a fire sale on Skin-E-Tea’s best-selling detox tea. The inside of the office is a disarray of empty cubicles and tea leaves. Prior to being escorted out of the office by a weeping security guard, we got a chance to see a makeshift war room for a sales unit.“SELL! I DON’T CARE FOR HOW MUCH. JUST DO IT!” we overheard Senior Vice President Brody Patterson give the final orders to the remains of his team, “WHO THE FUCK LET REPORTERS IN HERE!?” Skin-E-Tea is one of the first Instagram detox tea companies to declare bankruptcy in the wake of the temporary Instagram crash.

It’s difficult to scroll through an Instagram feed without coming across an extremely good looking person praising a detox tea for their toned stomach and chippy attitude. The celebrity and Instagram model endorsed diet teas have seen a massive plummet in sales in the past 36 hours due to an Instagram crash that left thousands of users unable to log into users on Monday.

A group of Instagram models and fitness bloggers have gathered in solidarity to start a GoFundMe campaign for those that are now out of work due to the Instagram crash. “I can’t believe I gave up modeling in New York to work here…just to wake up and not have my job anymore,” said Jessica Maddox, an Instagram user with a following of over 2 million. “My severance pay is a year supply of Skin-E-Tea. What am I supposed to do with Skin-E-Tea? I’m 90 pounds I can’t keep doing this.”

As of Tuesday at 3:00PM, sales for Skin-E-Tea have dropped 95%. The market for detox tea is down an average of 86%.

2016 Olympic Fencing Teams to Use Selfie Sticks

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RIO DE JANEIRO

The 2016 Summer Olympics fencing competitions are set to kick off with a last minute marginal change in the equipment. Due to heightened security to keep the Olympic games as safe as possible the traditional foil, épée, and sabre swords have been prohibited from entering the games arena.

“Safety is, and always will be our number one concern. Granted, we voted to put the Olympics in one of the most dangerous cities in the world to shake things up,” The International Olympic Committee commented, “But this is the right step forward. This gives us the perfect opportunity to pilot our Facebook Live Stream from the player’s point of view.”

The Olympic Games will without a doubt draw in huge crowds, but fencing enthusiasts around the country are enraged. Fencing has been around since the 18th century and is held in the highest regards among society’s elite. The artistry of these real life duels brings the spirit of Medieval one on one combat, but now with a twist of 2016.

The players, however, have a mixed palate of opinions ranging from optimistically apathetic, to outright incensed.

“They don’t really give much way… but I’ve got one at home that can do an extending sort of motion. It’ll be a good way to do a surprise attack I think.”

Naito Miura, of Japan.

“I don’t know why I’ve spent so many countless hours training with a sabre to have to deal with this shit. These selfie sticks are absolutely nothing like what we’ve been training with. Now I’ve got to switch up my whole style of play only a few days out? Fuck!”

Julius Gonzalez, of the Portugal.

“First they have us staying within walking distance of the favelas, and now I can’t even have my sword? How am I supposed to defend myself? Forget the Olympics, man, if we’re going to be in the Hunger Games at least give us a fighting chance!”

Leanna Calvo, of the United States.

The athletes will have the choice of three different selfie sticks of different lengths, weight, and grip. China, as per vote by the International Olympic Committee will have to use their locally made shitty selfie sticks that have been falling apart all around the globe.

Social Media Manager’s Resume Just Memes

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NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK

Angela Chalmer, 28, has recently started exploring new opportunities in the social media curation and management field. “I have spent hours of hard work scouring the Internet for trending and popular memes.” Angela told reporters this Wednesday. “Throwing in a crying Michael Jordan face or the occasional dat boy A. helps to humanize your company and B. connect with the largest active online community.” The confidence Angela exudes is second to none. “I’ve honestly got the dankest memes and most startups are seriously lacking in their meme departments. My last startup was using Bad Luck Brian posts before I got there!”

Interested employers can contact Angela exclusively through her DM on Instagram, @LiveLoveChalmer.

Pokemon Go Chronicles – Voltorb Knows It Won’t Be Used for Good

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SYRIA

The sudden and meteoric rise of Pokemon Go has had its downsides as well. From a teen discovering a body in Wyoming to traffic accidents across the country, the most dangerous event is the capturing of a Voltorb by the Islamic State. Voltorb is an Electric Pokemon notorious for its self-imploding powers. Aerial drone surveillance footage showed that a member of the Islamic State within the ages of 19-32 caught a Voltorb after using 4 Pokeballs. “I honestly don’t know what they could possibly use a Voltorb for except something very, very bad.” commented drone pilot Scott Dilbirck. “It’s the type of Pokemon you don’t want in the hands of bad guys.”

Local gyms have been placed on high alert. We will keep you updated as this is a developing story.

World Expects Prolonged Period of Peace after Man Tweets “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!”

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CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA

Area man Lyle Davies, better known to his 361 followers on Twitter as @LyleDavies44, tweeted “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!” on the morning of July 8th at around 10:27 AM. The tweet received three favorites and one retweet. In a joint press conference, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin expressed their united relief in the anticipated prolonged period of peace. A teary eyed Barack Obama stated, “The day has finally come. With the support and tweets of individuals such as Lyle Davies, we can finally experience prolonged peace for the first time in the history of humans.”

Today was not only a huge step forward for mankind, but a large leap for the @LyleDavies44 Twitter account, as it grew from 361 followers to 368 followers as of July 8th at 6:43PM. The tweet was preceded by a “Fuck Kevin Durant bro, NBA is not even gonna be fun to watch anymore” on July 5th. Kevin Durant’s contract with the Golden State Warriors has since been terminated and Kevin Durant has been placed under house arrest in Chesapeake Energy Arena in Oklahoma City.

Hillary Clinton Invests in an Email Deleting Startup: Inbox Zero

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WASHINGTON D.C.

Sources have confirmed that one of Mrs. Clinton’s first angel investments is in Washington D.C. startup, Inbox Zero. The company has recently started to gain traction across the world across a small base of bureaucrats, politicians, C-suite executives, and people who are just too busy.

“Honestly, I got the idea when I would sometimes log into my Yahoo or Gmail and see 10,000+ emails,” said IZ founder Jamie Faux, “I had to check the little box that highlighted 25 of them and press delete. It was going to take forever, so then I thought that I might be onto something.” Inbox Zero is a platform that outsources the brutal manual labor of clicking that checkbox hundreds, or even thousands of times, for a monthly fixed price of $129.

Elon Musk Left Foot to Buy Elon Musk Right Foot

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In a blockbuster acquisition offer, Elon Musk Left Foot outlined a $3.6B offer for Elon Musk Right Foot. Having founder equity in both, there are numerous outcries for a conflict of interest. The offer still needs to be approved by shareholders of both Elon Musk Left Foot and Elon Musk Right Foot.

This is plain and simple Elon Musk’s overarching plan for world domination. Sources claim that the synergy between Elon Musk Left Foot and Elon Musk Right Foot will help Elon Musk to move forward at a much faster rate. Elon is taking major steps and meaningful strides to conquer Earth before his final goal of getting to Mars. In Elon Musk Left Foot’s public letter to stakeholders and the press:

“Elon Musk Left Foot’s mission has always been tied to moving forward. We seek to accelerate the world’s transition to forward motion. It’s now time to complete the picture. The truth is, we cannot truly move in the right direction without an entity like Elon Musk Right Foot. We’re excited to announce that EMLF has made an offer to acquire EMRF in full. If completed, we believe a combination of Tesla and SolarCity will provide significant benefits to our customers, shareholders, and employees. Here’s to moving forward.”

A step in the right (or left) direction, or a corporate blunder. Only time will tell.

 

*All hail our overlord and savior Elon Musk.

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