Tim Cook Sentenced to Stonehenge White Collar Prison

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Earlier this week, the European Union ruled that Apple must pay a tax bill to the tune of $14.5 billion in back tax payments. Our political correspondent was on the scene.

France joined Germany on Thursday to back Brussels as the tensions across the pond continued to grow. “You know things are getting pretty serious if France and Germany get along on anything.” The United States sided with Apple and accused the European Union for trying to take tax revenue that should go to the U.S. government.

Ireland, however, was initially hesitant to pursue the tax demands as the low tax regime has attracted many talented persons and created jobs. It was until Ireland heard about the numerical value of how much Apple owed that they decided to sentence Tim Cook to white collar prison in Stonehenge for tax evasion. We assume the conversation to have occurred as follows:

EU: “Ireland, we just want to run this by you because we know you’ve got quite a stake in the situation. We haven’t always been the most fair with you, but we must band together against the American juggernaut.”

Ireland: “I don’t know, guys. I don’t want to risk thousands of jobs just for a couple million dollars. Apple has been pretty good to us.”

EU: “Billions, actually.”

Ireland: “…”

EU: “$14.5 billion to be exact.”

Ireland: “Hang them from the gallows.”

Apple’s Chief Executive Tim Cook described the ruling as “total political crap” which is a significantly toned down version of what his predecessor Steve Jobs would have likely described as “Absolute fucking bullshit. Fuck them.”

Ireland has plans to repurpose the mysterious grounds of Stonehenge into a high security facility for Tim Cook as a symbolic gesture towards tax evaders across the world. Only time will tell whether or not the United States will send Tim Cook over to settle the issue.

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